So I just finished reading this book called "GOD WINKS"... It's all about how nothing is a coincidence and that every second in your life is on God's blueprint for you. It was a great quick read and I'd recommend it to you all. I have it if you would like to borrow it :)
It's all stories about life changing moments that just couldn't be coincidence.
I know all about this first hand- especially with all that has gone on with my mom!
I'd like to share some quotes/scripture from the book that are really just like -ya wow- thinking moments:
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and HE shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 NKJV
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5 NKJV
In all your ways acknowledge Him, And he shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:6 NKJV
All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware. Martin Buber
Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent. -Jean Kerr
Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. John Wooden, coach
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NKJV
And now just some quotes: I'm a quote whore:
I'm right where I'm supposed to be -Unkown
What your heart thinks is great, is great. The soul's emphasis is always right. RWE
Hapiness is a place between too little and too much. Unknown
I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.
I believe in Love, even wehn I feel it not.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.
Hope this was uplifting.
Have to run.
Love.
Amber
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Revelation
Haven't posted in a while. I don't have a computer and it's impossible to blog from a phone. I'm at a friends house and using her computer and they are making fun of me. boo.
So I made some revelations this week.
I don't need to be married to the person that I wanted to be. And I am at peace with it. I really thought that it was in the path for me and I was trying so hard emotionally for it. But it's ok. NOT meant to be.
Also, I've been struggling so bad with if I should move out or not and I finally know that I am not supposed to move out. This weekend, they went camping and I was alone all weekend and I got sooooo depressed. I was alone and it was dark and I was awake and I couldn't fall asleep and it was awful. It reminded me of when I was alone in my apartment at 4am and crying and going outside to cry and smoking an entire pack of cigarettes to try to feel a buzz and didn't want to drink and it was awful. Just awful depression and anxiety. It was just like that. And so now I love that my family is always around. I feel safe and they are wonderful noise in my life. Even if they are a door closed away from me all the time, it's what needs to be done. I can't believe how much I missed my mom over the weekend. I couldn't cry, but it was just bad.
Mom is better every day. Still going to therapy and even though it's so cold, she still does her walks, but the cold makes her FREEEEZE. Like I worry when she's that cold, and she gets really tired. But she is in good spirits.
I love fall/winter at the farm. Growing up on the farm, we didn't (and still don't/never have) have cable and so we would stand in front of the wood stove with our backs to it and read and read and read and when our back was very warm we would run to the couch in the den (where the stove is) and we would sink and soak in the warmth that would burn our backsides and we would continue reading until our backs were cold again and start all over again. It was magnificent. And I hope to do that a bit this winter/fall since I am home again.
We watch a lot of movies at the house and so I've been watching the MASH seasons in bed under my snuggie and crocheting and eating pumpkin spice pecan icecream and snuggling with my kitty cat, Hugo :)
I have an amazing life. I am really happy with everything that is going on and am just truly blessed. I love my kiddos at work, I love my friends, family, and just ya. Things are good.
Also, I am loving the drive to and from work through the Wedington Woods. All the trees and the animals, and the lake and ya. I listen to NPR and I love NPR- it keeps my mind occupied and I don't get anxious since I'm not buttcrack busy. I've seen 20 deer in October at least. This week I saw a 7point white tail buck. My brother and Dad think I need to keep a bow and arrow in my car. Hahaha.
Oh and some of my kids have started calling me "Mee-Maw" and I hate it.
Better than the boys that pet my legs two weeks ago and said "kitty!"
I told my mom that and grape juice came out of her nose.
No more embarassing secrets from me. Hope you are reading this. Or no wait, I hope not a lot of people read that part.
Oh well.
Ok so I have some prayer requests but I will put them in my fb statuses, and the next blog update will have some blogs that you need to follow.
Love you all.
~Amber
So I made some revelations this week.
I don't need to be married to the person that I wanted to be. And I am at peace with it. I really thought that it was in the path for me and I was trying so hard emotionally for it. But it's ok. NOT meant to be.
Also, I've been struggling so bad with if I should move out or not and I finally know that I am not supposed to move out. This weekend, they went camping and I was alone all weekend and I got sooooo depressed. I was alone and it was dark and I was awake and I couldn't fall asleep and it was awful. It reminded me of when I was alone in my apartment at 4am and crying and going outside to cry and smoking an entire pack of cigarettes to try to feel a buzz and didn't want to drink and it was awful. Just awful depression and anxiety. It was just like that. And so now I love that my family is always around. I feel safe and they are wonderful noise in my life. Even if they are a door closed away from me all the time, it's what needs to be done. I can't believe how much I missed my mom over the weekend. I couldn't cry, but it was just bad.
Mom is better every day. Still going to therapy and even though it's so cold, she still does her walks, but the cold makes her FREEEEZE. Like I worry when she's that cold, and she gets really tired. But she is in good spirits.
I love fall/winter at the farm. Growing up on the farm, we didn't (and still don't/never have) have cable and so we would stand in front of the wood stove with our backs to it and read and read and read and when our back was very warm we would run to the couch in the den (where the stove is) and we would sink and soak in the warmth that would burn our backsides and we would continue reading until our backs were cold again and start all over again. It was magnificent. And I hope to do that a bit this winter/fall since I am home again.
We watch a lot of movies at the house and so I've been watching the MASH seasons in bed under my snuggie and crocheting and eating pumpkin spice pecan icecream and snuggling with my kitty cat, Hugo :)
I have an amazing life. I am really happy with everything that is going on and am just truly blessed. I love my kiddos at work, I love my friends, family, and just ya. Things are good.
Also, I am loving the drive to and from work through the Wedington Woods. All the trees and the animals, and the lake and ya. I listen to NPR and I love NPR- it keeps my mind occupied and I don't get anxious since I'm not buttcrack busy. I've seen 20 deer in October at least. This week I saw a 7point white tail buck. My brother and Dad think I need to keep a bow and arrow in my car. Hahaha.
Oh and some of my kids have started calling me "Mee-Maw" and I hate it.
Better than the boys that pet my legs two weeks ago and said "kitty!"
I told my mom that and grape juice came out of her nose.
No more embarassing secrets from me. Hope you are reading this. Or no wait, I hope not a lot of people read that part.
Oh well.
Ok so I have some prayer requests but I will put them in my fb statuses, and the next blog update will have some blogs that you need to follow.
Love you all.
~Amber
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I haven't blogged in a while. 3 weeks straight I was working like 6:45 to 5 chasing toddlers. This past week has finally been halfway normal. I've been trying to get in as much "me" time as possible. 17 2 year olds all day and then coming home to a house of someone needin something is just not what I needed. I had some continuing education classes two nights this week and then i did a craft night with some of the girls with work and then two nights in a row I stayed with my cousin Christie. It was nice to have some girl talk and laughs.
I have been so discouraged lateley. Men have been waltzing in and out of my life and it's just been hitting me hard. I don't have the best relationship with my father and although I try not to make male attention so weighted in my life, I can't handle rejection or leaving or misunderstanding. Especially when they want more than I can ever give right off the bat... ifyou know what I mean.
So anyways, I've been trying to surround myself with things and people that make me happy. Ribbon sales from hobby lobby, shopping at Daisies and Olives, shopping in general, bookstores, coffeeshops, design books and magazines.
I read "The Help" this week. Such an excellent book. I'm loaning it to a friend this week and there are two people after her that want to borrow it from me.
Epic.
Ok so maybe we'll count that as the juggling.
The Good:
As far as everyone can tell, Dad's pathology report came back clear. They won't be able to check again for another 6months, but as far as his doctors can tell, the cancer didn't spread anywhere and they think they got it all when they took his prostate. His remission/recovery has been pretty smooth I guess. He did his first cutting of hay last week.
Mom has been doing good. I think she's getting used to the fact that I'm not around much and need some down time outside of the house. Her and my cat Hugo have become great little buddies. I text her once a day (usually around nap time) to see how she's doing and she's been working on a STACK of homework since Dad couldn't get her to therapy for a while with his recovery, but I think she's back at it now.
We found her wedding ring finally. It's been a year and a half of looking and kinda hoping she'd forget about it.
Had a nice little cry on that one.
Big Bang Theory Season 4 came out last weekend and that's all I did- stayed home and watched it in bed with my Pjs on....
Looks like I've got some exciting days this week and good weekends coming up.
Next weekend looks like I get to go to the Tulsa Rodeo and Tulsa state fair. Then the next weekend horse camp and then the next two weekends, camping at roaring river.
It has been a real struggle for me to stay at home sometimes. I long for my independence and my own apartment and my own life and all my quiet time and doing what I want when I want with who I want and it's just been tough.
I miss the crisp breeze flowing in from mlk blvd and hearing the marching band practice 3 blocks away in lot 56. I miss having all my decorations up and living in the heart of fayetteville. Having friends over at least once a week. Sitting out on my porch and drinkin coffee in the mornings and listening to the traffic buzz. I miss being 7 minutes from everything, doing laundry at 3 in the morning if I wanted to and being able to walk to classes. I miss having my things and my life and putting worry in a box outside the door. I miss not having to burn my trash and having a garbage disposal. I miss eating brownies for every meal and lounging all day without the expectation of working on my day off.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Home hasn't been home much lately.
Just wanted to share that tid bit on my parents and how everyone is doing.
Robert is as ornery as ever.
Love you all.
Amber
I have been so discouraged lateley. Men have been waltzing in and out of my life and it's just been hitting me hard. I don't have the best relationship with my father and although I try not to make male attention so weighted in my life, I can't handle rejection or leaving or misunderstanding. Especially when they want more than I can ever give right off the bat... ifyou know what I mean.
So anyways, I've been trying to surround myself with things and people that make me happy. Ribbon sales from hobby lobby, shopping at Daisies and Olives, shopping in general, bookstores, coffeeshops, design books and magazines.
I read "The Help" this week. Such an excellent book. I'm loaning it to a friend this week and there are two people after her that want to borrow it from me.
Epic.
Ok so maybe we'll count that as the juggling.
The Good:
As far as everyone can tell, Dad's pathology report came back clear. They won't be able to check again for another 6months, but as far as his doctors can tell, the cancer didn't spread anywhere and they think they got it all when they took his prostate. His remission/recovery has been pretty smooth I guess. He did his first cutting of hay last week.
Mom has been doing good. I think she's getting used to the fact that I'm not around much and need some down time outside of the house. Her and my cat Hugo have become great little buddies. I text her once a day (usually around nap time) to see how she's doing and she's been working on a STACK of homework since Dad couldn't get her to therapy for a while with his recovery, but I think she's back at it now.
We found her wedding ring finally. It's been a year and a half of looking and kinda hoping she'd forget about it.
Had a nice little cry on that one.
Big Bang Theory Season 4 came out last weekend and that's all I did- stayed home and watched it in bed with my Pjs on....
Looks like I've got some exciting days this week and good weekends coming up.
Next weekend looks like I get to go to the Tulsa Rodeo and Tulsa state fair. Then the next weekend horse camp and then the next two weekends, camping at roaring river.
It has been a real struggle for me to stay at home sometimes. I long for my independence and my own apartment and my own life and all my quiet time and doing what I want when I want with who I want and it's just been tough.
I miss the crisp breeze flowing in from mlk blvd and hearing the marching band practice 3 blocks away in lot 56. I miss having all my decorations up and living in the heart of fayetteville. Having friends over at least once a week. Sitting out on my porch and drinkin coffee in the mornings and listening to the traffic buzz. I miss being 7 minutes from everything, doing laundry at 3 in the morning if I wanted to and being able to walk to classes. I miss having my things and my life and putting worry in a box outside the door. I miss not having to burn my trash and having a garbage disposal. I miss eating brownies for every meal and lounging all day without the expectation of working on my day off.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Home hasn't been home much lately.
Just wanted to share that tid bit on my parents and how everyone is doing.
Robert is as ornery as ever.
Love you all.
Amber
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Asteroid vs the dinosaurs
A lot of people believe an asteroid killed the dinosaurs. I'm one of the few who still believe it was texting and driving.-Steven Amiri #twitter
Some things I want you to check out:
Courtesy of my friend Tyler, for all you whipper snappers out there, this is how music can always be translated.
"What kind of music do you guys have here?"
"Oh we have both kinds. Country and Western"
-The Blues Brothers
Put a Ring on it
Also, since the weather has been wonderful, we have had lots of crickets, spiders, and grasshoppers to entertain my little one around the farm. My little one being Hugo, who brought in a friend on his way back from our walk...
Hugo and the Grasshopper
I've been watching Anne of Green Gables and crafting when I get home and reading Marley and Me right before I go to bed. I've been researching stuff for my kiddos on my lunch and preparing for our workshops.
Bright Haven has offered me a bit of an advancement in teaching and I would be assisitant teaching in one room instead of two rooms. Just a bit of moving up. Going to be praying about it and thinking about it and seeing if this is the path HE wants me on :)
I sooooooo want to make one of these. I love strapless dresses and hopefully you've been following this awesome blog!
Continue to pray for my coworker that had her miscarriage this past week, my dad in his week long recovery from his surgery, and now my bestbest. Ashtin has strep throat :(
Going to Fort Smith tonight with some friends to see #GirlTalk!!! So excited!
Love you all so much.
~Amber
Some things I want you to check out:
Courtesy of my friend Tyler, for all you whipper snappers out there, this is how music can always be translated.
"What kind of music do you guys have here?"
"Oh we have both kinds. Country and Western"
-The Blues Brothers
Put a Ring on it
Also, since the weather has been wonderful, we have had lots of crickets, spiders, and grasshoppers to entertain my little one around the farm. My little one being Hugo, who brought in a friend on his way back from our walk...
Hugo and the Grasshopper
I've been watching Anne of Green Gables and crafting when I get home and reading Marley and Me right before I go to bed. I've been researching stuff for my kiddos on my lunch and preparing for our workshops.
Bright Haven has offered me a bit of an advancement in teaching and I would be assisitant teaching in one room instead of two rooms. Just a bit of moving up. Going to be praying about it and thinking about it and seeing if this is the path HE wants me on :)
I sooooooo want to make one of these. I love strapless dresses and hopefully you've been following this awesome blog!
Continue to pray for my coworker that had her miscarriage this past week, my dad in his week long recovery from his surgery, and now my bestbest. Ashtin has strep throat :(
Going to Fort Smith tonight with some friends to see #GirlTalk!!! So excited!
Love you all so much.
~Amber
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
My sakes are fine thanks- Pete
Ok so Dad's surgery went well. They ended up taking out a bunch of scar tissue from when he had colon cancer in 1998 and took care of a hernia on one of his bowels. That made the surgery take longer than the original 4 hours and he has to stay another night-tonight. Today they started him on solid foods and getting up and walking around. He's been very compliant about getting up on the edge of the bed and trying to move around. If he can keep food down and none of his numbers change, he should be able to go home tomorrow (Thursday). I will post on my facebook status when he will be released. Bless Robert's heart, he's stayed the night with Dad last night and tonight. And he's going to class. I have had to be at work at 6:45 yesterday and this morning. One of the teachers I work with has had a miscarriage and so she is taking the rest of the week to heal and collect her thoughts. Please keep her in your prayers. The other teacher I work with has family and her parents in upstate New York where hurricane Irene and now hurricane Jill is affecting and they have evacuated twice (last week) then came home to repair the ruins and have now evacuated for rain through Friday. Such a sad devastating week on both ends, and I've been stressed to the max as well. So please keep my friends Alison and Amanda in your prayers as well as a smooth recovery for Dad.
Work has been a good distraction other than I yawn more than I yell :P
During the mornings I have had the little ones (all 8) by myself and part of our day, we do art and it's supposed to last 40 MINUTES!!! That's so long! Since the color of the week was blue and the shape of the week was rectangle, and the body part of the week was hand, I thought- WHY NOT FINGER PAINT!?!
BAAAAD IDEA on Ms Amber's behalf.
We had blue paint everywhere! On shirt's on chairs on tables, legs, arm, hair, floor, paper, friend's hair. Sooo bad. Have you ever tried to wash 8 children's hands at once? And keep them from sticking things in the toilet and trying to drink out of the toilet (yes, you read that right). It's hilarious. Later when I tell my mom about my day that is. I'm sure that the parents and grandparents watching the nanny cam from home or work are having a good laugh all day. Sitting back with their popcorn watching me try to entertain children.
So today, we did finger painting again, but they only got to paint with ONE finger (not ten) and I had them trapped to where when they were done, I immediately wet wiped their hand off and then they went under my left leg to go throw their wipey away and I lifted my right calf to let the next child in to do their paper of finger painting and put the wet papers in the play pen to dry. It was a lot like corralling cattle for shots and ear tags. Probably a lot more messy and loud and fun. You get the picture. We made awesome paintings that I later cut out and am going to make some sort of flower shape out of tomorrow during their nap/my teacher thought time.
My children are hilarious and sweet. I love my job. Have I told you that?
So tomorrow I have another teacher's class mandated by the state of Arkansas via nwacc and then Friday is hopefully a day of rest (after work of course) and then Saturday night I'm going to Fort Smith with Markette to see Girl Talk!!! (And some other bands)
I'm excited.
I hope this was entertaining in words as it was in my head.
I'm off to bed.
Love you all very much
~Amber
Work has been a good distraction other than I yawn more than I yell :P
During the mornings I have had the little ones (all 8) by myself and part of our day, we do art and it's supposed to last 40 MINUTES!!! That's so long! Since the color of the week was blue and the shape of the week was rectangle, and the body part of the week was hand, I thought- WHY NOT FINGER PAINT!?!
BAAAAD IDEA on Ms Amber's behalf.
We had blue paint everywhere! On shirt's on chairs on tables, legs, arm, hair, floor, paper, friend's hair. Sooo bad. Have you ever tried to wash 8 children's hands at once? And keep them from sticking things in the toilet and trying to drink out of the toilet (yes, you read that right). It's hilarious. Later when I tell my mom about my day that is. I'm sure that the parents and grandparents watching the nanny cam from home or work are having a good laugh all day. Sitting back with their popcorn watching me try to entertain children.
So today, we did finger painting again, but they only got to paint with ONE finger (not ten) and I had them trapped to where when they were done, I immediately wet wiped their hand off and then they went under my left leg to go throw their wipey away and I lifted my right calf to let the next child in to do their paper of finger painting and put the wet papers in the play pen to dry. It was a lot like corralling cattle for shots and ear tags. Probably a lot more messy and loud and fun. You get the picture. We made awesome paintings that I later cut out and am going to make some sort of flower shape out of tomorrow during their nap/my teacher thought time.
My children are hilarious and sweet. I love my job. Have I told you that?
So tomorrow I have another teacher's class mandated by the state of Arkansas via nwacc and then Friday is hopefully a day of rest (after work of course) and then Saturday night I'm going to Fort Smith with Markette to see Girl Talk!!! (And some other bands)
I'm excited.
I hope this was entertaining in words as it was in my head.
I'm off to bed.
Love you all very much
~Amber
Rawr
I hope everyone is having a Happy Labor Day.
I am in a pit of ridiculousness. I think every single area of my life is just not where it needs to be. I'm happy with most aspects of my life and what I'm doing, but I just don't feel like this is exactly what God wants me to do. Just need some tweaking. I'm working on it. I have tons of plans and when i say i have plans, they are not goals or dreams, they are plans.
SO back to the rawr.
Last Tuesday was Tyler's 22nd birthday. His girlfriend Islaya made him this three layer chocolate cake with cream cheese icing. From scratch. She was up til 2am baking this thing. It was delicious and she decorated it with dinosaurs and fossils of dinosaurs. It was the neatest thing. We had an awesome night. If you've never been to open mic night, you should go. It's now on Tuesdays at the Rowdy Beaver behind Chipotle on Dickson.
Also, we got a new dinosaur mask for our dramatic play area in the VOYAGERS room and so I had to take pictures and therefore have to share. My kiddos are the greatest things alive.
Every tear I have shed over the last two years has been covered with the laughs and smiles and kisses I get from these darlings. Until it's like naptime or after playground time bc then they become heathensbutilovethemanyways.
Hope this made you smile. Let's count it as the juggling and the good.
Good when the juggling is good eh?
Love
Amber
I am in a pit of ridiculousness. I think every single area of my life is just not where it needs to be. I'm happy with most aspects of my life and what I'm doing, but I just don't feel like this is exactly what God wants me to do. Just need some tweaking. I'm working on it. I have tons of plans and when i say i have plans, they are not goals or dreams, they are plans.
SO back to the rawr.
Last Tuesday was Tyler's 22nd birthday. His girlfriend Islaya made him this three layer chocolate cake with cream cheese icing. From scratch. She was up til 2am baking this thing. It was delicious and she decorated it with dinosaurs and fossils of dinosaurs. It was the neatest thing. We had an awesome night. If you've never been to open mic night, you should go. It's now on Tuesdays at the Rowdy Beaver behind Chipotle on Dickson.
Also, we got a new dinosaur mask for our dramatic play area in the VOYAGERS room and so I had to take pictures and therefore have to share. My kiddos are the greatest things alive.
Every tear I have shed over the last two years has been covered with the laughs and smiles and kisses I get from these darlings. Until it's like naptime or after playground time bc then they become heathensbutilovethemanyways.
 |
| Ryan |
 |
| Lexi |
 |
| Alice the Dinosaur |
 |
| Abby the Dinosaur |
Hope this made you smile. Let's count it as the juggling and the good.
Good when the juggling is good eh?
Love
Amber
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Schtuff perhaps mildly important. maybe
Some things I know right now:
Mom and a few people that we know from church are playing at the Senior Center in Prairie Grove tonight for a benefit for the meals on wheels. Should be pretty good entertainment. Great practice and normality for mi madre.
Dad's prostate cancer surgery in SEPTEMBER 6TH. Pray that nothing comes up (illness - cough cough via me :/) until then and that everything goes well.
Today Mom and I ran errands. We went to the pharmacy and the library and we ate at chic-fil-a. Then we came back and did some crafting! We made some note cards and thank you cards and played with ribbons and stamps and polka dots and paint and lots of other stuff. It was fun. A little cheap fun.
This summer, when mom and I would hang out, we would make up some trail mix or tacos and go outside and sit in the shade with our legs in the sun on big beach towels and listen to johnny cash and color and do crossword puzzles. Because we didn't have air conditioner and there was a breeze outside. And we're poor. :)
Some things I am looking forward to:
Wednesday pie night with some of the girls from work!
And Thursday bible study with some of the girls from work!
If you are a crafter, or more particularly, a mild or avid sewer/seamstress, you should check out the following site:
http://sweet-verbena.blogspot.com
It's one of the sites other than thingsorganizedneatly that i scroll through during naptime that makes me happy. I have found that if I bring my book into naptime, that my kids wake up and or don't go to sleep/cry. But if I don't have my book, they are perfect little angels and I am bored on my phone. hahaha.
Speaking of munchkins, aviators are a timeless classic right? They proved to be quite the spectacle Friday afternoon: Couldn't resist sharing: (I don't know if it's legal that I post kid pictures wo parental consent, so shhhhhhh :) )
Aren't I blessed? They are such great kids.
Have a great weekend friends!
Mucho Love
~Amber
Mom and a few people that we know from church are playing at the Senior Center in Prairie Grove tonight for a benefit for the meals on wheels. Should be pretty good entertainment. Great practice and normality for mi madre.
Dad's prostate cancer surgery in SEPTEMBER 6TH. Pray that nothing comes up (illness - cough cough via me :/) until then and that everything goes well.
Today Mom and I ran errands. We went to the pharmacy and the library and we ate at chic-fil-a. Then we came back and did some crafting! We made some note cards and thank you cards and played with ribbons and stamps and polka dots and paint and lots of other stuff. It was fun. A little cheap fun.
This summer, when mom and I would hang out, we would make up some trail mix or tacos and go outside and sit in the shade with our legs in the sun on big beach towels and listen to johnny cash and color and do crossword puzzles. Because we didn't have air conditioner and there was a breeze outside. And we're poor. :)
Some things I am looking forward to:
Wednesday pie night with some of the girls from work!
And Thursday bible study with some of the girls from work!
If you are a crafter, or more particularly, a mild or avid sewer/seamstress, you should check out the following site:
http://sweet-verbena.blogspot.com
It's one of the sites other than thingsorganizedneatly that i scroll through during naptime that makes me happy. I have found that if I bring my book into naptime, that my kids wake up and or don't go to sleep/cry. But if I don't have my book, they are perfect little angels and I am bored on my phone. hahaha.
Speaking of munchkins, aviators are a timeless classic right? They proved to be quite the spectacle Friday afternoon: Couldn't resist sharing: (I don't know if it's legal that I post kid pictures wo parental consent, so shhhhhhh :) )
 |
| Ryan |
 |
| Beckett |
 |
| Alice |
 |
| Abby |
Have a great weekend friends!
Mucho Love
~Amber
Monday, August 15, 2011
Aminals
I haven't really wanted my thoughts anywhere outside my head. They're safer there. Robert Redford said, "Knowing is easy, saying it outloud is the hard part," in The Horse Whisperer. I think lyrics are the only think I have that can say how I feel. From thought to paper. But lyrics stay in my head for this reason too.
I think this past month, I've questioned absolutely everything. Like really, everything about myself. I just don't even know or even know if I have the means of knowing. You know?
Everyone says I overthink and that I just need to let things be. Well, I can't.
Did you know that a bumblebee, aerodynamically, is unable to fly? But the bumblebee doesn't konw that. So it just flies anyways.
The turtle can survive all curled up in his shell, but to go anywhere, he has to stick his head out.
When I was 8, I bought two rings in Tulsa with my mom at a little ring shop. A bumblebee and a turtle. I didn't know I would be so influenced by these two creatures.
Everyone knows I've had a rough couple of years. Hell. Absolute hell. And sometimes I didn't want to survive it. I had it made up in my mind that I was in a closed jar.
I'm really good at pretending. When I'm out of the focused mindset, I'm free to smile. My reactions are unhealthy. What am I supposed to do?
Grief is somthing that has to be dealt with internally. Joy has to be shared to be enjoyed. Full potential.
Grief is a very important part of life. But you never are better for it. So I'm back on for 5 more months. And I refuse to date in those 5 months.
Boys are bad.
I need to be more like the turtle and the bumblebee!!
I had a really great day. Last night Robert and I saw Harry Potter 7 Part 2. I cried. He laughed at me. I hit him. He shut up.
Epic movie. I wanna see it again.
My birthday was absolutely wonderful btw. Thanks to all who came out and anyone that sent me a happy birthday wish.
I love you all. Each and every one.
-Amber
Psalm 100:5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
I think this past month, I've questioned absolutely everything. Like really, everything about myself. I just don't even know or even know if I have the means of knowing. You know?
Everyone says I overthink and that I just need to let things be. Well, I can't.
Did you know that a bumblebee, aerodynamically, is unable to fly? But the bumblebee doesn't konw that. So it just flies anyways.
The turtle can survive all curled up in his shell, but to go anywhere, he has to stick his head out.
When I was 8, I bought two rings in Tulsa with my mom at a little ring shop. A bumblebee and a turtle. I didn't know I would be so influenced by these two creatures.
Everyone knows I've had a rough couple of years. Hell. Absolute hell. And sometimes I didn't want to survive it. I had it made up in my mind that I was in a closed jar.
I'm really good at pretending. When I'm out of the focused mindset, I'm free to smile. My reactions are unhealthy. What am I supposed to do?
Grief is somthing that has to be dealt with internally. Joy has to be shared to be enjoyed. Full potential.
Grief is a very important part of life. But you never are better for it. So I'm back on for 5 more months. And I refuse to date in those 5 months.
Boys are bad.
I need to be more like the turtle and the bumblebee!!
I had a really great day. Last night Robert and I saw Harry Potter 7 Part 2. I cried. He laughed at me. I hit him. He shut up.
Epic movie. I wanna see it again.
My birthday was absolutely wonderful btw. Thanks to all who came out and anyone that sent me a happy birthday wish.
I love you all. Each and every one.
-Amber
Psalm 100:5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Monday, August 8, 2011
5>>>>
5 more days until my 22nd Birthday.
My family isn't going to be here for it. Boo. They are going camping.
Ya'll- I think I have mom brain. I have felt like i think in a;lskdjf;asdfjawoeirmvnawkejirf for like 3 weeks now. I talk about myself in third person. "What else does Miss Amber need from wal-mart" - while I am IN walmart. I sing the chair songs from our class (to if you're happy and you know it clap your hands) Sit your bottom in a chair at the table. Sit you bottom in a chair at the table. Sit you bottom in a chair. At the table at the table. Sit you bottom in a chair at the table. And it gets stuck in my head! And I have to sing it outloud until I get it unstuck.
My foulness of my mouth (which wasn't very foul to begin with) is wayyy mellow. Oh poopy instead of Crap. Stinks instead of sucks. And I say UHHHH OHHHH really dramatically a lot. I also write in crayon half the time and swear everything smells like poopy diaper, snot, play-doh, or bleach. I'm constantly smelling myself.
A TEEENY TINY rant and rave: about parents: If you have time to watch alllll day on the internet camera in your child's room, then you have time to WATCH YOUR OWN CHILD!!!!
Children fall down. Children cry and bleed and don't care that about 2 and a half yards of snot come out of their nose a day. If you don't want your child to have miscellanous stains on their clothing, don't send them to daycare where they have raviolis and applesauce for lunch!! If you don't want their white shirt ruined, don't wear it to PRESCHOOL! A Ralph Lauren Polo shirt is almost more likely to BEEEE Stained at the end of the day than an Old Navy shirt. I'm sorry. It's irony. I am watching your child with as much intensity as I would my OWN and I'm sorry they are not wearing shoes when you pick them up everyday. They are upright, happy, and fed. You are welcome. That being said, I loooooove allll of my kids and their parents. Equally. Ok so today Evan DID give me a big wet kiss goodbye (I don't care if this affects my current state of tonsilitis) and Lexi said I Love you when i got there this morning.
I LOVE MY JOB.
I would work for carrots if it came down to it. I miss my kids when I go home and especially on weekends.
Current state of tonsilitis: My right tonsil is the size of 2 of my thumbs. I'm getting them taken out in the near future:)
A little on my mom: it's been tough leaving her everyday to go to work. I don't get to see her very much so I try to text her during the day and call her on my lunch and send her pics of kiddos. She has been mowing the lawn WITH supervision (on the riding lawn mower) and she walks the driveway in the morning BY HERSELF. That driveway is kinda bumpy and long and has some curve to it. I'm so stinkin proud of her. She's been having good days. She did have a bad day last week a couple days after they got back from camping and the house was kinda in disaray from all the packing/unpacking and she got really confused. I hate that I can't be there for her on those days. I really try to call her on those days when I can.
A PRAYER REQUEST: PLEASE PRAY FOR HER RIGHT LEG TO "WAKE UP" AND FOR HER CONFUSION/STRENGTH TO GET BETTER :)
I don't wanna talk about boys. They are dumb. I am sticking to the best boy friends a girl could ask for. I can talk to them whenever, and hangout like it would be a date, but theres no feelings. I can't stress to you how much I need that in my life. Boys are dumb. They are just ....grrr. dumb.
Some GOOD:
Things that make me happy:
Other blogs: There are some sites that I have been following religiously that I would like to share with you. They make me happy. They make my brain take a break and enjoy line and color and movement and not so much logistics.... blah!
Here's one I cannot live without.
thingsorganizedneatly.tumblr.com
I shall share more later.
Sorry my fb statuses have been uber lame of late.
I have been uber lame of late. I'm overjoyed if I get some scrubs washed and my lunch made for the next day. Plus I don't remember the last time I straightened my hair (no shock there tho right?) and did my makeup- I end up just sweating it off even if I reapply at lunch time. I bet some of the parents pick up their kid and wonder what kind of trailer park I came out of. My hair is slicked back like a latina hotel cleaning lady and my mascara is definitely ringing under my eyes. Oh well. Their kid can say hippopotamus and was in one piece.
I have got to get my butt in gear though!
I hope to post soon and I hope you enjoyed reading this. Did you? Please say yes :)
-"Miss Amber"
My family isn't going to be here for it. Boo. They are going camping.
Ya'll- I think I have mom brain. I have felt like i think in a;lskdjf;asdfjawoeirmvnawkejirf for like 3 weeks now. I talk about myself in third person. "What else does Miss Amber need from wal-mart" - while I am IN walmart. I sing the chair songs from our class (to if you're happy and you know it clap your hands) Sit your bottom in a chair at the table. Sit you bottom in a chair at the table. Sit you bottom in a chair. At the table at the table. Sit you bottom in a chair at the table. And it gets stuck in my head! And I have to sing it outloud until I get it unstuck.
My foulness of my mouth (which wasn't very foul to begin with) is wayyy mellow. Oh poopy instead of Crap. Stinks instead of sucks. And I say UHHHH OHHHH really dramatically a lot. I also write in crayon half the time and swear everything smells like poopy diaper, snot, play-doh, or bleach. I'm constantly smelling myself.
A TEEENY TINY rant and rave: about parents: If you have time to watch alllll day on the internet camera in your child's room, then you have time to WATCH YOUR OWN CHILD!!!!
Children fall down. Children cry and bleed and don't care that about 2 and a half yards of snot come out of their nose a day. If you don't want your child to have miscellanous stains on their clothing, don't send them to daycare where they have raviolis and applesauce for lunch!! If you don't want their white shirt ruined, don't wear it to PRESCHOOL! A Ralph Lauren Polo shirt is almost more likely to BEEEE Stained at the end of the day than an Old Navy shirt. I'm sorry. It's irony. I am watching your child with as much intensity as I would my OWN and I'm sorry they are not wearing shoes when you pick them up everyday. They are upright, happy, and fed. You are welcome. That being said, I loooooove allll of my kids and their parents. Equally. Ok so today Evan DID give me a big wet kiss goodbye (I don't care if this affects my current state of tonsilitis) and Lexi said I Love you when i got there this morning.
I LOVE MY JOB.
I would work for carrots if it came down to it. I miss my kids when I go home and especially on weekends.
Current state of tonsilitis: My right tonsil is the size of 2 of my thumbs. I'm getting them taken out in the near future:)
A little on my mom: it's been tough leaving her everyday to go to work. I don't get to see her very much so I try to text her during the day and call her on my lunch and send her pics of kiddos. She has been mowing the lawn WITH supervision (on the riding lawn mower) and she walks the driveway in the morning BY HERSELF. That driveway is kinda bumpy and long and has some curve to it. I'm so stinkin proud of her. She's been having good days. She did have a bad day last week a couple days after they got back from camping and the house was kinda in disaray from all the packing/unpacking and she got really confused. I hate that I can't be there for her on those days. I really try to call her on those days when I can.
A PRAYER REQUEST: PLEASE PRAY FOR HER RIGHT LEG TO "WAKE UP" AND FOR HER CONFUSION/STRENGTH TO GET BETTER :)
I don't wanna talk about boys. They are dumb. I am sticking to the best boy friends a girl could ask for. I can talk to them whenever, and hangout like it would be a date, but theres no feelings. I can't stress to you how much I need that in my life. Boys are dumb. They are just ....grrr. dumb.
Some GOOD:
Things that make me happy:
Other blogs: There are some sites that I have been following religiously that I would like to share with you. They make me happy. They make my brain take a break and enjoy line and color and movement and not so much logistics.... blah!
Here's one I cannot live without.
thingsorganizedneatly.tumblr.com
I shall share more later.
Sorry my fb statuses have been uber lame of late.
I have been uber lame of late. I'm overjoyed if I get some scrubs washed and my lunch made for the next day. Plus I don't remember the last time I straightened my hair (no shock there tho right?) and did my makeup- I end up just sweating it off even if I reapply at lunch time. I bet some of the parents pick up their kid and wonder what kind of trailer park I came out of. My hair is slicked back like a latina hotel cleaning lady and my mascara is definitely ringing under my eyes. Oh well. Their kid can say hippopotamus and was in one piece.
I have got to get my butt in gear though!
I hope to post soon and I hope you enjoyed reading this. Did you? Please say yes :)
-"Miss Amber"
Thursday, July 28, 2011
7-28-11
Goodness gracious I am wiped out tonight.
My insomnia schedule has changed in that I can now fallll asleep, but I have been waking up at 3am every day and having to change what I'm sleeping in or eat something or drink a gallon of water. It's insane trying to convince yourself you are exhausted at 3am. So it goes.
I really took charge today. I had 13 kiddos today :) Some of the teacher's kids that have been home all summer with their mommies have been transitioning back into the classroom this week especially since they are all moving up on Monday. Big day. I will definitely cry when it hits me that most of my class is not going to be with me anymore :(
I changed the better part of 72 diapers today. 2 were full on 3lbs of green avocado poop. Blech. Some got on me on one of them. I didn't freak out, but I definitely used about half a box of wipes on my hand in that 20 seconds.
One key difference I've noticed about myself is that I talk about myself in third person ALLLLL THEEEE TIMEEEE. Help "Miss Amber" pick up blocks. Don't hit "Miss Amber"- it makes her sad. Please keep your boogers on your finger. It makes "Miss Amber" sick.
After work, I treated myself to icecream because of the poop incident.
I met Tyler, my bbff at FPL for a play called Hamlet, Zombie Killer of Denmark. Pretty stinkin funny for local community live theater :)
I think the most exercise I got today though was my ninja like skills when I walked through a spider web in the entry to my house.
This was way funnier in my head. Sorry.
Goodnight. :)
-Amber
My insomnia schedule has changed in that I can now fallll asleep, but I have been waking up at 3am every day and having to change what I'm sleeping in or eat something or drink a gallon of water. It's insane trying to convince yourself you are exhausted at 3am. So it goes.
I really took charge today. I had 13 kiddos today :) Some of the teacher's kids that have been home all summer with their mommies have been transitioning back into the classroom this week especially since they are all moving up on Monday. Big day. I will definitely cry when it hits me that most of my class is not going to be with me anymore :(
I changed the better part of 72 diapers today. 2 were full on 3lbs of green avocado poop. Blech. Some got on me on one of them. I didn't freak out, but I definitely used about half a box of wipes on my hand in that 20 seconds.
One key difference I've noticed about myself is that I talk about myself in third person ALLLLL THEEEE TIMEEEE. Help "Miss Amber" pick up blocks. Don't hit "Miss Amber"- it makes her sad. Please keep your boogers on your finger. It makes "Miss Amber" sick.
After work, I treated myself to icecream because of the poop incident.
I met Tyler, my bbff at FPL for a play called Hamlet, Zombie Killer of Denmark. Pretty stinkin funny for local community live theater :)
I think the most exercise I got today though was my ninja like skills when I walked through a spider web in the entry to my house.
This was way funnier in my head. Sorry.
Goodnight. :)
-Amber
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
oh mylanta
Oh gracious. Where have I been? Hopefully you have missed me! All last week, Dad had the laptop down at camp at Roaring River and so I didn't have anything to blog on...
I am in much better spirits this week.
I LOOOOOOVE MY JOB ya'll.....
I am one of the teachers at Bright Haven CLC in Springdale. I'm a floater and right now I am in the 18 month- 2 year old class. I have 11 kiddos usually. They are just so fun. When I get there at 9, they are having their power snack. They are just so cute and sooo smart and so fun.
My little ladies are: Lily, Lexi, Nylah, Alice, and Bailey.
My boys are: Chase, Khristian, Braxton, Kyler, Braeden, Reece, and Evan.
So sometimes we have 12.
Lily is so smart and already forming tons of sentences together. She is such a little momma. She feeds her babies at play time and hugs and kisses anyone who falls down. She also knows all her numbers, colors, shapes, and letters, and she will repeat any big word you ask her to. "Disappointed" and "Caterpillar" are some of my favorite this week. She also says "turt-el" and "wadder" soooo sweetly. She's already a little bit of a control freak- like me.
Lexi is a sweeeetheart. She's very shy and timid and for most of the day she is on my hip or in my lap. When she gets excited, her mouth stretches so wide and she starts shaking. So cute.
Nylah is so sweet and a little bit of a mischief maker.
Alice is new to our class. She's actually supposed to be in the class below us, but she's bigger than the rest of them and she bites! So she's in our class so she won't be such a bully. She's been very sweet this week and she's got pink eye :(
I haven't gotten to know Bailey much yet. She's very tall and very athletic.
Oh my boys.
Chase is soo sweet and so well behaved and so smart. He is going to be class president some day I can already tell. He sleeps with a monkey, and he snores sooooo loud.
Khristian has bright red hair and pulls this hair when it's time to nap. He's very independent and sweet and well behaved.
Kyler will not wear his right shoe and he's very smart and very mischievous. He's a stinker.
Braxton does what he wants when he wants. He's very sweet when he's by himself, but for the most part, if Braxton is happy, he's doing something wrong. Such a sweet face. Watch out lil ladies!
Braeden doesn't participate in our group things a lot, he does what he wants and does it quietly and he is veryy smart. He says "triangle" sooo cute. I love it.
Reece is sooo stinkin smart and very tall! He is such a sweetheart! I love lil reeces pieces! He knows all his colors, shapes, and letters, and can count to ten in English, Spanish, AND French. Can you do that!? He can count to 20 in English. He is very independent but loves the attention too.
Now Evan, I would take a bullet for. He spends all his time in my lap. This little boy just has my heart. He has blonde hair, BIG blue eyes, and he's a chunk. Alll boy. He is just the sweetest boy- with some big tantrums :)
They nap for 2 hours during the day, and I'm learning all the songs and little tricks along the way. 12 kiddos in 9 hours is a LOT! When I finally get off work, Im so hungry and I take the backroads home, shaving some minutes off my commute. However, I have the energy of a dead squirrel. :S
I'll try not to make my posts all about my kiddos, but I don't really do anything else. I come home, eat something, and shower, and crawl into bed. I'm uber lamo.
I do have a funny story about my Dad though,
Yesterday when I came home from work, I was juuuust beat. I had ran errands on my lunch and after I got off work, I went to Sam's AND wal-mart. I was dragging. Saying goodbye to all my kids and meeting their parents and visiting took a lot out of me too. Anywho, dad said he had bought me some microwave dinners for either dinner or to take to lunch and they were Fretto something or other....I was like, Ok....he really pushed for me to eat one so he made one, and said they were pasta. I was like, do you mean Fettuccine Alfredo?
Ya! That's it.
It wasn't bad.
Good ole Dad.
Night ya'll.
I know it's 8pm, but 7 am comes way faster than it used to....
Thanks for reading.
-Amber
I am in much better spirits this week.
I LOOOOOOVE MY JOB ya'll.....
I am one of the teachers at Bright Haven CLC in Springdale. I'm a floater and right now I am in the 18 month- 2 year old class. I have 11 kiddos usually. They are just so fun. When I get there at 9, they are having their power snack. They are just so cute and sooo smart and so fun.
My little ladies are: Lily, Lexi, Nylah, Alice, and Bailey.
My boys are: Chase, Khristian, Braxton, Kyler, Braeden, Reece, and Evan.
So sometimes we have 12.
Lily is so smart and already forming tons of sentences together. She is such a little momma. She feeds her babies at play time and hugs and kisses anyone who falls down. She also knows all her numbers, colors, shapes, and letters, and she will repeat any big word you ask her to. "Disappointed" and "Caterpillar" are some of my favorite this week. She also says "turt-el" and "wadder" soooo sweetly. She's already a little bit of a control freak- like me.
Lexi is a sweeeetheart. She's very shy and timid and for most of the day she is on my hip or in my lap. When she gets excited, her mouth stretches so wide and she starts shaking. So cute.
Nylah is so sweet and a little bit of a mischief maker.
Alice is new to our class. She's actually supposed to be in the class below us, but she's bigger than the rest of them and she bites! So she's in our class so she won't be such a bully. She's been very sweet this week and she's got pink eye :(
I haven't gotten to know Bailey much yet. She's very tall and very athletic.
Oh my boys.
Chase is soo sweet and so well behaved and so smart. He is going to be class president some day I can already tell. He sleeps with a monkey, and he snores sooooo loud.
Khristian has bright red hair and pulls this hair when it's time to nap. He's very independent and sweet and well behaved.
Kyler will not wear his right shoe and he's very smart and very mischievous. He's a stinker.
Braxton does what he wants when he wants. He's very sweet when he's by himself, but for the most part, if Braxton is happy, he's doing something wrong. Such a sweet face. Watch out lil ladies!
Braeden doesn't participate in our group things a lot, he does what he wants and does it quietly and he is veryy smart. He says "triangle" sooo cute. I love it.
Reece is sooo stinkin smart and very tall! He is such a sweetheart! I love lil reeces pieces! He knows all his colors, shapes, and letters, and can count to ten in English, Spanish, AND French. Can you do that!? He can count to 20 in English. He is very independent but loves the attention too.
Now Evan, I would take a bullet for. He spends all his time in my lap. This little boy just has my heart. He has blonde hair, BIG blue eyes, and he's a chunk. Alll boy. He is just the sweetest boy- with some big tantrums :)
They nap for 2 hours during the day, and I'm learning all the songs and little tricks along the way. 12 kiddos in 9 hours is a LOT! When I finally get off work, Im so hungry and I take the backroads home, shaving some minutes off my commute. However, I have the energy of a dead squirrel. :S
I'll try not to make my posts all about my kiddos, but I don't really do anything else. I come home, eat something, and shower, and crawl into bed. I'm uber lamo.
I do have a funny story about my Dad though,
Yesterday when I came home from work, I was juuuust beat. I had ran errands on my lunch and after I got off work, I went to Sam's AND wal-mart. I was dragging. Saying goodbye to all my kids and meeting their parents and visiting took a lot out of me too. Anywho, dad said he had bought me some microwave dinners for either dinner or to take to lunch and they were Fretto something or other....I was like, Ok....he really pushed for me to eat one so he made one, and said they were pasta. I was like, do you mean Fettuccine Alfredo?
Ya! That's it.
It wasn't bad.
Good ole Dad.
Night ya'll.
I know it's 8pm, but 7 am comes way faster than it used to....
Thanks for reading.
-Amber
Friday, July 15, 2011
Truthful Tuesday: I've been unemployed so long, I don't even know what day it is anymore.
So my parents and Roberto are fixing to leave to go camping for 10 days at Roaring River. I don't want to go. Are you kidding me? 10 days in a bus with my family fighting over one tv? No thanks. I plan on going up one day next week to hike and eat and stuff, but I'm not ready for a week of torturous family time.
Our air conditioner has been having problems though and so the ac professionals are going to come out this week and tear out the old one and rebuild it on a firmer foundation because it's been leaking condensation and water like crazy the past week onto the carpet in the bathroom. Dad finalllly started shop vaccing it out a couple days ago, and I finally asked him why he didn't just use our shampooer to suck up the gushy carpet water. I'm a genius right? So anyways, they've been tinkering with the ac and the electrical wires and they've torn out 2 walls of paneling (yes, paneling) and I'm thinking the way that my luck goes, I'm going to be trapped at home for 10 days with my cat with either no power or no ac. Looking forward to some alone time and getting my laundry done, all 6 loads-how I want- and to CLEAN the snot out of this house. I try to stay in my room at all times when I'm here because the state of the junk piles on every surface just frustrate me and stress me out so bad. And the laundry smells. You can bet I'll be rewashing all the "linens" this week. Grrr. I went and checked that Mom's keyboard was still in the motor home- there's a HUGE space under the master bed in there. I know where I'll be storing my next body. WOOT.
Tuesday, I had an interview at Bright Haven Learning Center in Springdale. It's basically a Christian childcare center. I have an "observation interview" Monday morning. Wish me luck and pray for me. I'm officially out of money and savings. Taking care of mom and entertaining her and cooking and cleaning pays squat around here. It really stresses me out. I think I've figured out that it's not that I "can't sleep", it's that I can't fall asleep. No matter when I take my meds my doctor has me on, I can't fall asleep til after 4am and love to sleep til 2pm. This sucks. Especially when I need to do something the next day.
I went to FPL twice this week with Mom. I've been checking out Dvds. So far I've watched, Joe versus the Volcano, The Color Purple, Bridges of Madison County, City of Angels, Blue Valentine, The Reader, Return to Snowy River, Bullit, and Memoirs of a Geisha. Next is Cool Hand Luke.
Next week I want to go take advantage of the chairs that overlook the downtown and some Arsagas. Who doesn't love arsagas #amiright? Mom got the new testament on tape, and i got slaughter house five. I'm excited.
Ya'll- I have been eating better this week for sure. Not only are we out of the little debbies that I like, but I have been making these awesome salads everyday. I bought a container of dark greens and have been adding cucumber, an enitre carrot, bacon strips, sharp cheddar cheese, tomatoes, and zesty italian dressing.
RECIPE
Lately, I have been marinating chicken breasts in a huge squeeze of zesty italian dressing in a ziplock and then broiling it the next day. I also chunk up sweet potatoes and regular potatoes with the peels still on them, put thm on a cookie sheet and drizzle with oil and then shake fajita seasoning on them- like taco seasoning,but it's fajita, and then roll them around with my hands to get a good coat and then broiling them. The potatoes take about 12-15 minutes, and the chicken no more than 15 if you cut it up in nugget size pieces. YUMMMO. The dressing really makes the chicken TENDER and flavorful and the oil and seasoning add flavor to both potatoes plus they kinda fry up like fried potatoes. Yum. It's really good on my salad too. If you're keeping tabs, Hugo doesn't like cheerios, carrots, cucumbers, or sweet potatoes.
Here's a video of my lil one eating lettuce.
He's enjoying Mommmy's salad choice too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9gqw3tmrws
Also, I really wanna open the courts back up!!! Who wants to give me some moneys?! I want to do a family style dining in the back, and do a bakery up front. If this daytime daycare thing doesn't work out, I will definitely see what I can do to get that MAYBE started. Gosh. What a dream job.
If you are on twitter, you know that I'm basically a retweeter. My handle is amberdtyree by the way.
Here's some tweets from some of my followers that I found hilarious and want to share with you.
-I dream of the day when someone orders a #2 at a fast food place, that the cashier drops his pants, poops on a tray, and hands it to them.
-The suggestion box at my work flushes. :(
-Everytime the doorbell rings, my dog runs for the door. I don't know why. It's never for him.
-Instead of bear arms, I'd rather have the right to giraffe legs. Let's move on this one Obama!
Ok More thoughts later.
Big Love to my T boys Tyler and Terry, Ash, Jenny, Kate, and Rugo :)
Our air conditioner has been having problems though and so the ac professionals are going to come out this week and tear out the old one and rebuild it on a firmer foundation because it's been leaking condensation and water like crazy the past week onto the carpet in the bathroom. Dad finalllly started shop vaccing it out a couple days ago, and I finally asked him why he didn't just use our shampooer to suck up the gushy carpet water. I'm a genius right? So anyways, they've been tinkering with the ac and the electrical wires and they've torn out 2 walls of paneling (yes, paneling) and I'm thinking the way that my luck goes, I'm going to be trapped at home for 10 days with my cat with either no power or no ac. Looking forward to some alone time and getting my laundry done, all 6 loads-how I want- and to CLEAN the snot out of this house. I try to stay in my room at all times when I'm here because the state of the junk piles on every surface just frustrate me and stress me out so bad. And the laundry smells. You can bet I'll be rewashing all the "linens" this week. Grrr. I went and checked that Mom's keyboard was still in the motor home- there's a HUGE space under the master bed in there. I know where I'll be storing my next body. WOOT.
Tuesday, I had an interview at Bright Haven Learning Center in Springdale. It's basically a Christian childcare center. I have an "observation interview" Monday morning. Wish me luck and pray for me. I'm officially out of money and savings. Taking care of mom and entertaining her and cooking and cleaning pays squat around here. It really stresses me out. I think I've figured out that it's not that I "can't sleep", it's that I can't fall asleep. No matter when I take my meds my doctor has me on, I can't fall asleep til after 4am and love to sleep til 2pm. This sucks. Especially when I need to do something the next day.
I went to FPL twice this week with Mom. I've been checking out Dvds. So far I've watched, Joe versus the Volcano, The Color Purple, Bridges of Madison County, City of Angels, Blue Valentine, The Reader, Return to Snowy River, Bullit, and Memoirs of a Geisha. Next is Cool Hand Luke.
Next week I want to go take advantage of the chairs that overlook the downtown and some Arsagas. Who doesn't love arsagas #amiright? Mom got the new testament on tape, and i got slaughter house five. I'm excited.
Ya'll- I have been eating better this week for sure. Not only are we out of the little debbies that I like, but I have been making these awesome salads everyday. I bought a container of dark greens and have been adding cucumber, an enitre carrot, bacon strips, sharp cheddar cheese, tomatoes, and zesty italian dressing.
RECIPE
Lately, I have been marinating chicken breasts in a huge squeeze of zesty italian dressing in a ziplock and then broiling it the next day. I also chunk up sweet potatoes and regular potatoes with the peels still on them, put thm on a cookie sheet and drizzle with oil and then shake fajita seasoning on them- like taco seasoning,but it's fajita, and then roll them around with my hands to get a good coat and then broiling them. The potatoes take about 12-15 minutes, and the chicken no more than 15 if you cut it up in nugget size pieces. YUMMMO. The dressing really makes the chicken TENDER and flavorful and the oil and seasoning add flavor to both potatoes plus they kinda fry up like fried potatoes. Yum. It's really good on my salad too. If you're keeping tabs, Hugo doesn't like cheerios, carrots, cucumbers, or sweet potatoes.
Here's a video of my lil one eating lettuce.
He's enjoying Mommmy's salad choice too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9gqw3tmrws
Also, I really wanna open the courts back up!!! Who wants to give me some moneys?! I want to do a family style dining in the back, and do a bakery up front. If this daytime daycare thing doesn't work out, I will definitely see what I can do to get that MAYBE started. Gosh. What a dream job.
If you are on twitter, you know that I'm basically a retweeter. My handle is amberdtyree by the way.
Here's some tweets from some of my followers that I found hilarious and want to share with you.
-I dream of the day when someone orders a #2 at a fast food place, that the cashier drops his pants, poops on a tray, and hands it to them.
-The suggestion box at my work flushes. :(
-Everytime the doorbell rings, my dog runs for the door. I don't know why. It's never for him.
-Instead of bear arms, I'd rather have the right to giraffe legs. Let's move on this one Obama!
Ok More thoughts later.
Big Love to my T boys Tyler and Terry, Ash, Jenny, Kate, and Rugo :)
Friday, July 8, 2011
If you give a bum a smoke
I swear all of my thoughts are unfinished. I ate my chicken fried rice with chop sticks last night.
Robert's last day at the park is tomorrow and then he's taking off to Colorado to camp for a few months before he comes back to go to UofA. I'm so freaking nervous. You have no idea.
I've come to terms that I may be a redneck. Against all my efforts, some of my efforts are a lil trashy?
For example: last week when it was hot, I went outside on the south end of our house bc that's where the breezes blow and tanned my legs. I had on a bikini bottom and a large T-shirt as a cover up. No big deal right? About 4 hours later, I realized I was in a tequila shirt and bikini bottoms doing my laundry. Redneck.
Then, Sunday when I left for church, as I was getting into my car, my poof from my hair brushed against the top of my Honda. How high could my poof be?! As I drove down the driveway, the weeds and grass that grow in the middle of our looooong gravel driveway were raking along the under carriage of my Honda. Goodness. Huge bouffant and grass in the road. How country could I be?
I'd also like to tell you that my cereal diet is going on splendidly. However, I've eaten 2 packages of cheddar beddar brauts since I bought them and have almost finished off the BIG PACK of Fudge Rounds my dad bought when they went to the Bread Store in Springdale a couple weeks ago. I've been drinking milk with them-even though I'm lactose intolerant.
I forgot to tell my readers that we ended the trial with my mare June. She was misbehaved and flighty. She suddenly got a gut on her and she was going to foal :)
So she's back with her original owner. All for the best. It's too hot for me right now anyways.
So Bridges of Madison County was pretty good. Very special. I think I'll be thinking about it for a very long time.
Happy 17th Birthday to Mary Jameson! Tomorrow is her older brother's birthday. He has been like a brother to me. Happy Birthday to Terry! Chelsea's 24th bday celebration is this weekend too. And bridal day with Christie is Saturday. I'm excited. I'll also be seeing Mudstomp bands Saturday. Excited.
I think I'll end on a good note there.
More thoughts later.
-@
Robert's last day at the park is tomorrow and then he's taking off to Colorado to camp for a few months before he comes back to go to UofA. I'm so freaking nervous. You have no idea.
I've come to terms that I may be a redneck. Against all my efforts, some of my efforts are a lil trashy?
For example: last week when it was hot, I went outside on the south end of our house bc that's where the breezes blow and tanned my legs. I had on a bikini bottom and a large T-shirt as a cover up. No big deal right? About 4 hours later, I realized I was in a tequila shirt and bikini bottoms doing my laundry. Redneck.
Then, Sunday when I left for church, as I was getting into my car, my poof from my hair brushed against the top of my Honda. How high could my poof be?! As I drove down the driveway, the weeds and grass that grow in the middle of our looooong gravel driveway were raking along the under carriage of my Honda. Goodness. Huge bouffant and grass in the road. How country could I be?
I'd also like to tell you that my cereal diet is going on splendidly. However, I've eaten 2 packages of cheddar beddar brauts since I bought them and have almost finished off the BIG PACK of Fudge Rounds my dad bought when they went to the Bread Store in Springdale a couple weeks ago. I've been drinking milk with them-even though I'm lactose intolerant.
I forgot to tell my readers that we ended the trial with my mare June. She was misbehaved and flighty. She suddenly got a gut on her and she was going to foal :)
So she's back with her original owner. All for the best. It's too hot for me right now anyways.
So Bridges of Madison County was pretty good. Very special. I think I'll be thinking about it for a very long time.
Happy 17th Birthday to Mary Jameson! Tomorrow is her older brother's birthday. He has been like a brother to me. Happy Birthday to Terry! Chelsea's 24th bday celebration is this weekend too. And bridal day with Christie is Saturday. I'm excited. I'll also be seeing Mudstomp bands Saturday. Excited.
I think I'll end on a good note there.
More thoughts later.
-@
Thursday, July 7, 2011
My feet smell and my nose runs.
Wednesday 7-6-11
My allergies are outright killing me. My eyeballs itch so bad I wish I could tear them out and soak them in anti-itch cream overnight. My nose drips and then when I blow it, nothing comes out. I wish I could mummify them via cotton balls. I have been taking sudafed, only to return to the box and find out it's sinus medicine. I finally rooted around in the cabinets for allergy medicine. It took a few hours, but I finally feel better. Just absolutely weak and exhausted. Probably mono flaring up. Yahoo.
I'm uber excited because no one covered the tuna fish salad last week when they put it in the fridge... so it smells. Yahoo! And I washed my sheets and "someone" put them in a basket instead of drying them or telling me that they were just laying in a basket and then I guess they recognized that they needed to be dried so they dried them. And they were soured. Yahoo!
I have a good weekend planned. I feel good. I'm going to have a good day today. I can feel it.
More thoughts later.
7-7-11 Thursday
Thursday- my favorite day. Happy Birthday Ringo Starr :)
I have been so blaaaaaaaah this week. Dad has graciously taken Mom to therapy both times this week- making me feel awful and lazy. Oh well. Next week will be different. Therapy has been going good for her. Her therapist, Jamie ran some numbers last week and she's doing better in most of the areas that Jamie set goals for her in. I'm very proud of her. One of the things that Mom is not able to do for many reasons, is drive. So when she told Jamie that, she set her up on a "simulator" on the wii. I asked her if it was a game and Dad said it was. I asked her if she was Princess Peach and my dad was like, Oh my goodness. How did you know that? It's a gift... Ha haha. Apparently Mom got to play Mario Kart on the wii- before I ever have. But I think she enjoyed it.- it was just a challenge for her mind. When Dad checks cows on our lot in Farmington, he usually lets her drive through the fields. And she LOVES it. Robert and I loved it when we were kiddos- basically that's how we learned to drive...
I think Mom's memory has really really really improved. Sometimes she loses her thought in a conversation and it's basically gone forever, but sometimes she absolutely remembers some hard things. For example, a couple of weeks ago, I had to run an errand and go pick up my tax return from our CPA in West Fork. I didn't even know our CPA was IN West Fork, but apparently that's where it is. I had no idea where in West Fork because I never ever ever ever go there. But Mom took me to it. Right and lefted me. Even when I had gone the wrong way. She told me where to go to end up on the right road. WOW right? Dad was so happy. Then the other day, when we were on our way to therapy, Mom said she wanted to ask me two things. I was like great. Here's 35 minutes of her rubbing her head and trying to remember and getting frustrated. I sighed and smiled and asked her, Shoot. She wanted to see a picture on FB of a friend that I graduated with, and his girlfriend. She likes staying up to date on a lot of the people that have been in and sometimes out of my life. Believe me, if you're reading this, she probably asks about you too :)
Also, there is this teeny tiny house on the east end of Bthl Blaktp for sale and I've been ogling it before I ever moved back home. I want my dad to buy it and i rent to own it from him when I finally get a job- maybe when I teach. Anywho, she wanted to stop by and see it. So we did both that morning before it got too hot.
Yesterday I went and applied for a receptionist position at the Toyota Dealership in the AutoPark. Then I went and talked to my friend Markette next door at the Acura dealership and talked to her and her slightly forward co worker, Jules. Jules begged and begged me for my number and kept hitting on me. It was awful. I told him he didn't want me, because I was mean and all that jazz and he was like, you can be mean to me whenever you want. I told him I was about to. He wanted to change himself to be what I wanted him to be. I told him I wanted him to be invisible. Told you I was mean. I ended up giving him Robert's number because I didn't have anyone else's memorized. He has yet to text "me", but I did give him a pretty good go to hell look when he tried to walk me to my car.
I had lunch with Ashtin yesterday which was awesome, and then since I finished the book Memoirs of a Geisha early that morning, I went to Blockbuster to rent the movie. They didn't have it, but the nice guy at the counter said that even though they didn't even carry it anymore, FPL (Fayetteville Public Library) should have it and it would be free. I gave him a big smile and graciously said thank you. What a nice guy!
So I trecked up to FPL.
Pause.
I love FPL, it makes me feel like a true Fayetevillian. I feel city like and important. I rented, Memoirs of a Geisha, Bridges of Madison County, Bullit, and Fiddler on the Roof. I've never seen any of these.
After reading Memoirs of a Geisha all week, I was freaking craving Chinese food (although the story is set in Japan) and I must have made half a box of economy sized Minute Rice this week. So after I watched it the first time last night, I made Chicken Fried Rice tonight to watch it again. Yummy.
Unpause. When I left and went down the elevator, there were 2 other people in there, two men and a woman and one of the men was one of those annoying single talkers that needs to comment on everything even though he's like gotta be over the age of 45. Do you know what I'm talking about? Well he asked me if the temper came with my red hair. I was like, I don't have red hair. He was like, well it looks red. I said prolly because I was standing under one of the lights of the elevator. It was that time that I got out of the elevator with one of the men. He just laughed and said wow. You just never know when it's gonna be one of those. Hahahahahahaa. So I said I guess it's just better to be polite than piss the crazies off.
Anywho, I think that will conclude my thoughts for today. I've been sleeping all freaking day. I have a big weekend this weekend and I'm watching The Big Bang Theory- one I haven't seen yet at that.
I'm honestly tired and after this episode, I'm going to watch Bridges of Madison County. I asked my mom if I would cry, and she said she would, but she cries at everything. I think I'm becoming more emotional though. I've been worried about the testosterone levels in my body lately in my inability to cry. But I cried at the end of Sandlot on the Fourth of July.
Ok. More thoughts later.
Do you have any thoughts for me?
-Amber
My allergies are outright killing me. My eyeballs itch so bad I wish I could tear them out and soak them in anti-itch cream overnight. My nose drips and then when I blow it, nothing comes out. I wish I could mummify them via cotton balls. I have been taking sudafed, only to return to the box and find out it's sinus medicine. I finally rooted around in the cabinets for allergy medicine. It took a few hours, but I finally feel better. Just absolutely weak and exhausted. Probably mono flaring up. Yahoo.
I'm uber excited because no one covered the tuna fish salad last week when they put it in the fridge... so it smells. Yahoo! And I washed my sheets and "someone" put them in a basket instead of drying them or telling me that they were just laying in a basket and then I guess they recognized that they needed to be dried so they dried them. And they were soured. Yahoo!
I have a good weekend planned. I feel good. I'm going to have a good day today. I can feel it.
More thoughts later.
7-7-11 Thursday
Thursday- my favorite day. Happy Birthday Ringo Starr :)
I have been so blaaaaaaaah this week. Dad has graciously taken Mom to therapy both times this week- making me feel awful and lazy. Oh well. Next week will be different. Therapy has been going good for her. Her therapist, Jamie ran some numbers last week and she's doing better in most of the areas that Jamie set goals for her in. I'm very proud of her. One of the things that Mom is not able to do for many reasons, is drive. So when she told Jamie that, she set her up on a "simulator" on the wii. I asked her if it was a game and Dad said it was. I asked her if she was Princess Peach and my dad was like, Oh my goodness. How did you know that? It's a gift... Ha haha. Apparently Mom got to play Mario Kart on the wii- before I ever have. But I think she enjoyed it.- it was just a challenge for her mind. When Dad checks cows on our lot in Farmington, he usually lets her drive through the fields. And she LOVES it. Robert and I loved it when we were kiddos- basically that's how we learned to drive...
I think Mom's memory has really really really improved. Sometimes she loses her thought in a conversation and it's basically gone forever, but sometimes she absolutely remembers some hard things. For example, a couple of weeks ago, I had to run an errand and go pick up my tax return from our CPA in West Fork. I didn't even know our CPA was IN West Fork, but apparently that's where it is. I had no idea where in West Fork because I never ever ever ever go there. But Mom took me to it. Right and lefted me. Even when I had gone the wrong way. She told me where to go to end up on the right road. WOW right? Dad was so happy. Then the other day, when we were on our way to therapy, Mom said she wanted to ask me two things. I was like great. Here's 35 minutes of her rubbing her head and trying to remember and getting frustrated. I sighed and smiled and asked her, Shoot. She wanted to see a picture on FB of a friend that I graduated with, and his girlfriend. She likes staying up to date on a lot of the people that have been in and sometimes out of my life. Believe me, if you're reading this, she probably asks about you too :)
Also, there is this teeny tiny house on the east end of Bthl Blaktp for sale and I've been ogling it before I ever moved back home. I want my dad to buy it and i rent to own it from him when I finally get a job- maybe when I teach. Anywho, she wanted to stop by and see it. So we did both that morning before it got too hot.
Yesterday I went and applied for a receptionist position at the Toyota Dealership in the AutoPark. Then I went and talked to my friend Markette next door at the Acura dealership and talked to her and her slightly forward co worker, Jules. Jules begged and begged me for my number and kept hitting on me. It was awful. I told him he didn't want me, because I was mean and all that jazz and he was like, you can be mean to me whenever you want. I told him I was about to. He wanted to change himself to be what I wanted him to be. I told him I wanted him to be invisible. Told you I was mean. I ended up giving him Robert's number because I didn't have anyone else's memorized. He has yet to text "me", but I did give him a pretty good go to hell look when he tried to walk me to my car.
I had lunch with Ashtin yesterday which was awesome, and then since I finished the book Memoirs of a Geisha early that morning, I went to Blockbuster to rent the movie. They didn't have it, but the nice guy at the counter said that even though they didn't even carry it anymore, FPL (Fayetteville Public Library) should have it and it would be free. I gave him a big smile and graciously said thank you. What a nice guy!
So I trecked up to FPL.
Pause.
I love FPL, it makes me feel like a true Fayetevillian. I feel city like and important. I rented, Memoirs of a Geisha, Bridges of Madison County, Bullit, and Fiddler on the Roof. I've never seen any of these.
After reading Memoirs of a Geisha all week, I was freaking craving Chinese food (although the story is set in Japan) and I must have made half a box of economy sized Minute Rice this week. So after I watched it the first time last night, I made Chicken Fried Rice tonight to watch it again. Yummy.
Unpause. When I left and went down the elevator, there were 2 other people in there, two men and a woman and one of the men was one of those annoying single talkers that needs to comment on everything even though he's like gotta be over the age of 45. Do you know what I'm talking about? Well he asked me if the temper came with my red hair. I was like, I don't have red hair. He was like, well it looks red. I said prolly because I was standing under one of the lights of the elevator. It was that time that I got out of the elevator with one of the men. He just laughed and said wow. You just never know when it's gonna be one of those. Hahahahahahaa. So I said I guess it's just better to be polite than piss the crazies off.
Anywho, I think that will conclude my thoughts for today. I've been sleeping all freaking day. I have a big weekend this weekend and I'm watching The Big Bang Theory- one I haven't seen yet at that.
I'm honestly tired and after this episode, I'm going to watch Bridges of Madison County. I asked my mom if I would cry, and she said she would, but she cries at everything. I think I'm becoming more emotional though. I've been worried about the testosterone levels in my body lately in my inability to cry. But I cried at the end of Sandlot on the Fourth of July.
Ok. More thoughts later.
Do you have any thoughts for me?
-Amber
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Pens only like to hang out with other pens. They're very clicky.
Sunday July 3rd
I don't know why my clocks say am or pm- like it matters. It's 3:02am btw. My nights and days are all messed up. I went to sleep at like 5am. Tyler woke me up on Saturday because I was late to Harrison and Kelly's cookout celebration for their wedding :) After that I went to my Aunt Connie's to try on my bridesmaid dress and just so happened, Christie and Shawn were there with his kids, Jordan and Timmy- some of the most well behaved children and sweetest kids I've been around. Then I went to Jose's to hug Ashtin- the whole restaurant was having a hard day after they lost one of their bartenders. Then I went home. The chicken I made for dinner Friday night was still on the stove- the boys hadn't eaten their portion. It really hurt my feelings. It was a really good meal that no one touched after Mom and I ate our share... I went to my room to read, but Dad had the tv BLARING so I went outside in the yard to read. I went with them to the Farmington Fireworks show and Jennifer met us there. It was good to see her.
Last night I was thinking that I just don't know why I'm here! I mean I have no idea what my purpose on Earth is right now. I feel like I have nothing going for me right now. No job, no money, no boyfriend, I live with my parents, and I can't do anything for very long periods of time at all.
I feel like I can't cry. Only in my car. I've cried so much in my car it's just ridiculous. I don't cry often. It really isn't in my nature. I think I got that from my dad. My mom has cried so much in front of me and I can't bring my body to cry with her. Even when I wanted to. I don't know what to do about anything in my life right now actually. Just keep praying I guess?
I remember a few weekends ago, when all my boy crap happened, I remember crying out, I'm not mad, I just want to know WHY.
I'm really tired of the attacks on my cat.
Respect has really been the word of the month. Respect of feelings. Respect of boundaries and space. Respect of property. Respect of animals-cats and horses. Respect of people. I have so many examples but I'll respect those people and situations and just tell you that respect is a very top virtue.
I wish I could be IN music. I wish I could be IN a song. I wish it could engulf me and surround me and that I could be the core it plays and survives on.
There is so much good in my life. Much worry and prayer and words I probably shouldn't let loose, but they do anyway. I try to live everyday with no excuses, but I usually end up in the opposite direction. It's so unfair that men can hit the pillow and be SOUND asleep. I finally get tired and close my eyes and a million words stream together running toward my memory for tomorrow. So then I was trying to think like a guy- what would I think about if I were a guy before I went to bed? Sex? Sleeping? Sports? Food? I don't know. Something that wouldn't change the world- and then I realize that I'm thinking- and that's the problem.
Something that made me UBER happy this week was that I bought chopsticks. I am the MASTER of chopsticks. I eat steamed rice and everything with them. The last time we went to The Panda for lunch (Father's Day), I ate my entire meal with chopsticks- except my Egg Drop Soup. I wish I had an Egg Drop Burger. That would be DIVINE! Am I rambling?
I came home last week from therapy with my mom and my dad came in and raised his voice that we were completely out of cups and that I needed to run the dishwasher full of them IMMEDIATELY. My father doesn't say hello or goodbye or goodnight or i love you when i leave. But he let's me know that we need to run an emergency load of cups- heaven forbid we have to handwash them or use the one from yesterday. I don't want to go in to this right now. It didn't end well.
Man. I'm a debbie downer. My sleep is just off. More thoughts later.
Thanks for reading this one. I'm trying to be less cranky in my posts.
:/
I don't know why my clocks say am or pm- like it matters. It's 3:02am btw. My nights and days are all messed up. I went to sleep at like 5am. Tyler woke me up on Saturday because I was late to Harrison and Kelly's cookout celebration for their wedding :) After that I went to my Aunt Connie's to try on my bridesmaid dress and just so happened, Christie and Shawn were there with his kids, Jordan and Timmy- some of the most well behaved children and sweetest kids I've been around. Then I went to Jose's to hug Ashtin- the whole restaurant was having a hard day after they lost one of their bartenders. Then I went home. The chicken I made for dinner Friday night was still on the stove- the boys hadn't eaten their portion. It really hurt my feelings. It was a really good meal that no one touched after Mom and I ate our share... I went to my room to read, but Dad had the tv BLARING so I went outside in the yard to read. I went with them to the Farmington Fireworks show and Jennifer met us there. It was good to see her.
Last night I was thinking that I just don't know why I'm here! I mean I have no idea what my purpose on Earth is right now. I feel like I have nothing going for me right now. No job, no money, no boyfriend, I live with my parents, and I can't do anything for very long periods of time at all.
I feel like I can't cry. Only in my car. I've cried so much in my car it's just ridiculous. I don't cry often. It really isn't in my nature. I think I got that from my dad. My mom has cried so much in front of me and I can't bring my body to cry with her. Even when I wanted to. I don't know what to do about anything in my life right now actually. Just keep praying I guess?
I remember a few weekends ago, when all my boy crap happened, I remember crying out, I'm not mad, I just want to know WHY.
I'm really tired of the attacks on my cat.
Respect has really been the word of the month. Respect of feelings. Respect of boundaries and space. Respect of property. Respect of animals-cats and horses. Respect of people. I have so many examples but I'll respect those people and situations and just tell you that respect is a very top virtue.
I wish I could be IN music. I wish I could be IN a song. I wish it could engulf me and surround me and that I could be the core it plays and survives on.
There is so much good in my life. Much worry and prayer and words I probably shouldn't let loose, but they do anyway. I try to live everyday with no excuses, but I usually end up in the opposite direction. It's so unfair that men can hit the pillow and be SOUND asleep. I finally get tired and close my eyes and a million words stream together running toward my memory for tomorrow. So then I was trying to think like a guy- what would I think about if I were a guy before I went to bed? Sex? Sleeping? Sports? Food? I don't know. Something that wouldn't change the world- and then I realize that I'm thinking- and that's the problem.
Something that made me UBER happy this week was that I bought chopsticks. I am the MASTER of chopsticks. I eat steamed rice and everything with them. The last time we went to The Panda for lunch (Father's Day), I ate my entire meal with chopsticks- except my Egg Drop Soup. I wish I had an Egg Drop Burger. That would be DIVINE! Am I rambling?
I came home last week from therapy with my mom and my dad came in and raised his voice that we were completely out of cups and that I needed to run the dishwasher full of them IMMEDIATELY. My father doesn't say hello or goodbye or goodnight or i love you when i leave. But he let's me know that we need to run an emergency load of cups- heaven forbid we have to handwash them or use the one from yesterday. I don't want to go in to this right now. It didn't end well.
Man. I'm a debbie downer. My sleep is just off. More thoughts later.
Thanks for reading this one. I'm trying to be less cranky in my posts.
:/
Friday, July 1, 2011
To be old and wise, you must first have to be young and stupid.
6-28-11 After 5pm. Barnes and Noble
I came to look at some bridal magazines for Christie's wedding-for ideas. I feel like I haven't journaled in forever. Friday night I went to a bbq with Kate, a singles study group for her church and we had a funny time finding it. It was an ok bbq I guess. The male to female ratio was a little ridiculous, but the food and conversation was good. I was a little embarrassed because I felt like I dominated the conversation. I need to get out more. I am really good at listening but even better at talking. Always have been. It's awkward talking about what I do on a daily basis too. I feel like there is too much detail in the nothingness that I do. Markette said she felt like my tasks were "saint like". Ha. I laughed. Makes me feel good though. Friday night I went to see Ashtin at Jose's and figure out a schedule for Sierra's party. I basically just talked to her and Nelson and wrote out the clues for the scavenger hunt. Mikey text me while I was there. I was in shock. I thought we were officially over. He was being very civil which was nice. Usually he's just hurt and mad about the whole situation. Which helps nothing. He said he was in St. Louis helping a friend move and so after Jose's closed up, I went home. On my way home Mikey text me that he wanted to see me in an hour. I needed to trust him and he was actually in Fayetteville. Great. He no showed. I cried on dickson street walking back to my car. Ran into my ex boyfriend who was walking three blondes back to their car. Cried some more. Then I was almost to my car when a highschool friend and he basically just came up and held me while I cried. It was such a pitiful night. Men are just awful. I hope none of them are reading this. I don't know why they would though. Ha! I talked to Ashtin when I got home and got some things off my chest. I made a sandwich, found some chocolate, took my nighttime meds and watched a movie. I finally fell asleep at like 4am. Saturday was a little better. I woke up at 3pm and talked to my mom about what had happened the night before and she was very supportive of me being mad for a bit.
The show had to go on. I called Markette and then took the Yukon to the carwash and then escorted a group of 15 year old girls around Fayetteville. That wasn't as bad as you might think. Markette and I then went back to my house for a bonfire that my brother and cousin had set up. Markette and I went in early and talked to almost 4 or 5 am? I don't remember now. I haven't had a sleepover in forever and when I did it was in my apartment where everyone had their own couch and it's been a good couple years since I stayed up all night talking or shared a bed. Later Sunday Robert and I had a riding lesson. That was fun and I learned a lot.
Monday, Mom and I went to David's Bridal to try on bridesmaid dresses for Christie's wedding. We tried on a few different ones, decided on an unconventional one (which was absolutely gorgeous) and then went to lunch. There, we met the groom, a super nice guy named Shawn. Then Mom and I went around town. We went to Mustache Fayetteville and Riffraff. I was in love with both stores :) Later I found out that Toni Brown has furniture at Riffraff! Then we went to Sonic and got icecream and went to Daisies and Olives right before they closed. I had to do a quick skim through. It was a really good little afternoon. On the way home, Mom said that she really enjoyed our little "shopping" trips.
Tuesday I took Mom to therapy and since her therapist was going to be gone Thursday and Friday, we had a 9am therapy session on Wednesday. I woke up super early. After her appointment, we came home and I ate lunch and went and met my very dear friend Jennifer Meads for coffee at Arsaga's! I actually had Naked Juice instead of coffee, and we chit chatted and shared pictures. We didn't really catch up because I talk to this woman hourly, or "on the regular" as we call it. hahaha. I love her so much. She is there for me- hourly. We literally have the same life. We'll count that as the good. Coffee and shopping.
Later that night, Mom came out of the bathroom and she was crying. I tried to console her, but usually when she cries about being frustrated she doesn't want to cry on my shoulder because she feels awful that she is leaning on her daughter for support and comfort. I try to explain to her that it's what I'm there for and I'm happy to do it, but she usually just wants to work through it herself and if I can get her calmed down enough to go to bed, she sleeps like a rock.
Then that night I had a nightmare that she was dying and I couldn't get to her fast enough. I was trying to drive to her and couldn't find her and I just knew she was about to die. It was an awful nightmare and I couldn't tell that I was dreaming. Usually I can, unless it's that bad. So we'll count that as the bad.
I've been asleep the past two days. I kid you not. I do not do stress well. I haven't had any sleeping pills or anything. Yesterday I layed out and then came in and slept. Til this afternoon. So then I woke up and took a shower. Now I have a little bit of energy, but I think I'm going to be spending another night in my Harley Davidson pajamas eating M&Ms and watching British comedies. Don't judge me.
Hugo has been so lovey this week. Lub him. He's been such a joy.
Thanks for reading.
More thoughts later. :)
-Amber
I came to look at some bridal magazines for Christie's wedding-for ideas. I feel like I haven't journaled in forever. Friday night I went to a bbq with Kate, a singles study group for her church and we had a funny time finding it. It was an ok bbq I guess. The male to female ratio was a little ridiculous, but the food and conversation was good. I was a little embarrassed because I felt like I dominated the conversation. I need to get out more. I am really good at listening but even better at talking. Always have been. It's awkward talking about what I do on a daily basis too. I feel like there is too much detail in the nothingness that I do. Markette said she felt like my tasks were "saint like". Ha. I laughed. Makes me feel good though. Friday night I went to see Ashtin at Jose's and figure out a schedule for Sierra's party. I basically just talked to her and Nelson and wrote out the clues for the scavenger hunt. Mikey text me while I was there. I was in shock. I thought we were officially over. He was being very civil which was nice. Usually he's just hurt and mad about the whole situation. Which helps nothing. He said he was in St. Louis helping a friend move and so after Jose's closed up, I went home. On my way home Mikey text me that he wanted to see me in an hour. I needed to trust him and he was actually in Fayetteville. Great. He no showed. I cried on dickson street walking back to my car. Ran into my ex boyfriend who was walking three blondes back to their car. Cried some more. Then I was almost to my car when a highschool friend and he basically just came up and held me while I cried. It was such a pitiful night. Men are just awful. I hope none of them are reading this. I don't know why they would though. Ha! I talked to Ashtin when I got home and got some things off my chest. I made a sandwich, found some chocolate, took my nighttime meds and watched a movie. I finally fell asleep at like 4am. Saturday was a little better. I woke up at 3pm and talked to my mom about what had happened the night before and she was very supportive of me being mad for a bit.
The show had to go on. I called Markette and then took the Yukon to the carwash and then escorted a group of 15 year old girls around Fayetteville. That wasn't as bad as you might think. Markette and I then went back to my house for a bonfire that my brother and cousin had set up. Markette and I went in early and talked to almost 4 or 5 am? I don't remember now. I haven't had a sleepover in forever and when I did it was in my apartment where everyone had their own couch and it's been a good couple years since I stayed up all night talking or shared a bed. Later Sunday Robert and I had a riding lesson. That was fun and I learned a lot.
Monday, Mom and I went to David's Bridal to try on bridesmaid dresses for Christie's wedding. We tried on a few different ones, decided on an unconventional one (which was absolutely gorgeous) and then went to lunch. There, we met the groom, a super nice guy named Shawn. Then Mom and I went around town. We went to Mustache Fayetteville and Riffraff. I was in love with both stores :) Later I found out that Toni Brown has furniture at Riffraff! Then we went to Sonic and got icecream and went to Daisies and Olives right before they closed. I had to do a quick skim through. It was a really good little afternoon. On the way home, Mom said that she really enjoyed our little "shopping" trips.
Tuesday I took Mom to therapy and since her therapist was going to be gone Thursday and Friday, we had a 9am therapy session on Wednesday. I woke up super early. After her appointment, we came home and I ate lunch and went and met my very dear friend Jennifer Meads for coffee at Arsaga's! I actually had Naked Juice instead of coffee, and we chit chatted and shared pictures. We didn't really catch up because I talk to this woman hourly, or "on the regular" as we call it. hahaha. I love her so much. She is there for me- hourly. We literally have the same life. We'll count that as the good. Coffee and shopping.
Later that night, Mom came out of the bathroom and she was crying. I tried to console her, but usually when she cries about being frustrated she doesn't want to cry on my shoulder because she feels awful that she is leaning on her daughter for support and comfort. I try to explain to her that it's what I'm there for and I'm happy to do it, but she usually just wants to work through it herself and if I can get her calmed down enough to go to bed, she sleeps like a rock.
Then that night I had a nightmare that she was dying and I couldn't get to her fast enough. I was trying to drive to her and couldn't find her and I just knew she was about to die. It was an awful nightmare and I couldn't tell that I was dreaming. Usually I can, unless it's that bad. So we'll count that as the bad.
I've been asleep the past two days. I kid you not. I do not do stress well. I haven't had any sleeping pills or anything. Yesterday I layed out and then came in and slept. Til this afternoon. So then I woke up and took a shower. Now I have a little bit of energy, but I think I'm going to be spending another night in my Harley Davidson pajamas eating M&Ms and watching British comedies. Don't judge me.
Hugo has been so lovey this week. Lub him. He's been such a joy.
Thanks for reading.
More thoughts later. :)
-Amber
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The only redeeming quality a lot of people possess is taht they're biodegradable.
As everyone knows, Thursdays are my FAVORITE days! I went to sleep at 3 this morning. I have been reading Memoirs of a Geisha. I've never seen the movie, and the book is addicting. So don't spoil it for me. I woke up and did mom's hair and checked her homework and we went to therapy. I always sit in the room with her and her therapist and watch and listen. The brain process is really interesting. After her therapy session, we went to Sam's for freaking cheap lunch and I grabbed a few groceries that were on the list (that I left at home of course). Then we went to West Fork so I could pick up my tax assessment return report encyclopedia. hahaha. I don't know what it was. Not important. Then we went home and I unloaded the groceries and realized I needed my kind of milk (soy or almond milk) because I am lactose intolerant and really like cereal especially when I need to lose or maintain weight and I'm going to be in a wedding in September and I need to start eatin my cereal! I also bought an economy pack of cheddar is beddar bratwurst at Sam's today :/ Oops.
Anywho- when I went back to Wal-Mart, I wanted to go to the PG Express as I haven't been yet. But, SOMEONE broke the toilet seat and lid on the bathroom that Mom and I share cough cough and so I had to go to Fayetteville to go to Lowe's to get a toilet seat. Of course, at Lowe's there are 30 different toilet seats and there is no indication to any of their differences. There were 3 men at the end of the aisle shooting the bull while i try out every seat they have. Finally I picked a wooden Kohler for a round toilet. Yay me!
So let's count that as the bad of "The good, the bad, the ugly"
My day was actually really good. I went to Wal-Mart and got a few groceries and for the first time in my life, I didn't get a retarded cart- no squeaks, no bump in the wheel, no stiffness in the turning or snot on the handle. Do you know what I'm talking about? Let's count that as the good. That and the fact that I'm watching an episode of Big Bang Theory that I haven't seen before.
I have a really good couple of days coming up too. Tomorrow night I'm going to a singles barbecue with my friend Kate for her church. I'm going as moral support. Should I wear a shirt that says moral support? or uninterested? I'm serious here. Then Saturday night I'm going to Ashtin's little sister's birthday party/scavenger hunt. Nathan and Robert are planning a bonfire campout at our house... I think I'm just gonna let them do all that work and I'll just make s'mores. Sunday, after church, I have a riding lesson and Monday I have a dress fitting for my bridesmaid dress and then the bachelorette is on later that night.
Ok. I think that's all for now. Except I found a book called "Becoming a Woman of Prayer" and it sounds right up my alley. And it starts on page 13. I'll let you know how that goes.
More thoughts later.
Anywho- when I went back to Wal-Mart, I wanted to go to the PG Express as I haven't been yet. But, SOMEONE broke the toilet seat and lid on the bathroom that Mom and I share cough cough and so I had to go to Fayetteville to go to Lowe's to get a toilet seat. Of course, at Lowe's there are 30 different toilet seats and there is no indication to any of their differences. There were 3 men at the end of the aisle shooting the bull while i try out every seat they have. Finally I picked a wooden Kohler for a round toilet. Yay me!
So let's count that as the bad of "The good, the bad, the ugly"
My day was actually really good. I went to Wal-Mart and got a few groceries and for the first time in my life, I didn't get a retarded cart- no squeaks, no bump in the wheel, no stiffness in the turning or snot on the handle. Do you know what I'm talking about? Let's count that as the good. That and the fact that I'm watching an episode of Big Bang Theory that I haven't seen before.
I have a really good couple of days coming up too. Tomorrow night I'm going to a singles barbecue with my friend Kate for her church. I'm going as moral support. Should I wear a shirt that says moral support? or uninterested? I'm serious here. Then Saturday night I'm going to Ashtin's little sister's birthday party/scavenger hunt. Nathan and Robert are planning a bonfire campout at our house... I think I'm just gonna let them do all that work and I'll just make s'mores. Sunday, after church, I have a riding lesson and Monday I have a dress fitting for my bridesmaid dress and then the bachelorette is on later that night.
Ok. I think that's all for now. Except I found a book called "Becoming a Woman of Prayer" and it sounds right up my alley. And it starts on page 13. I'll let you know how that goes.
More thoughts later.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Life is like a game of chess. Long.. boring... and most of us don't really know what the heck we're doing...
A couple of weeks ago, I got an offer from People magazine for 6 free issues. My third came in the mail this week. First of all, Kate Middleton was on the cover. Yes, she's gorgeous and rich and royal. I didn't watch the wedding, I don't know what the big controversy was with her Sister Pippa, and I'm confused why they spell Kate with a "K" when her name is Catherine with a "C". The magazine smells fan-freakin-tastic and I made myself wait and stumble across the little perfume card and to my absolute ASTONISHMENT, the perfume is by Justin Beiber! I know nothing about him really, but I don't really support him or his music or talent or fame, hair, whatever. Him and the Jonas Brothers can go piss in a lake for all I care- those screaming girls give me a headache. Anywho, the magazine went on and I came across the story of Gabrielle Gifford. I read the piece, her tale being quite similar to my mom's. I haven't really kept tabs on her throughout this process- one traumatic story with repeating intricate details is enough. I do know that she was in fact SHOT in the head, but in the same cerebral area as my mom and has had the same frustrations and disabilities that my mom has had. My mom is progressively doing BETTER than Gabrielle is, but like Gabrielle, my mom is "doing better everyday" as the piece is titled.
Admittedly, I cried after reading the page and studying the pictures- before and after. Gabrielle is a beautiful woman. Before her trauma, she was a gorgeous normal woman in her achieving prime- blonde, professional, and in my opinion, "homelike and inviting". She looked like the homeroom mom at school or the mom that takes charge at the soccer meetings. To me, now she looks like a beautiful survivor.
She looks like a woman that beat all odds. A woman that fights everyday for normalcy and sanity and still manages a smile on her beautiful face. She looks like, my mom.
Gabrielle has the same features my mom has had. She has a trach scar from breathing and feeding tubes. One of her eyes is slightly smaller than the other one- hiding behind now necessary glasses. Her hair texture has changed. It's an odd change- almost like coarse, and brittle dead upon dead ends. She also has a wonderful straight smile. In the article, they ask if she wants, will be able to, or is willing to go another term as an Arizona congresswoman. Her and her spokeswoman are kinda vague, but really leaned in the same direction- That's not really what matters right now! Geeze.
This woman escaped death and is still in her 5th month of rehab (shwew!). What's important now is what this woman feels and lives- now who she is and what her life was made up of. I remember before Mom was ever released from anything and people were asking about her scars and abilities and future work and I just wanted to shake them and say She's breathing on her own okay!?
After 2 and a half months of watching tubes and vitals and numbers and liquids and blood drains and hand twitches and blinks and toe jerks, I didn't care if she never put on her own shoes again- she's alive. And we would have chopped off our LIMBS for the payment of that HUGE miracle.
Anywho, just part of the thought process this week. Mom has been following Gabrielle pretty well- it's very interesting to her. In fact, she's reading the article aloud in the kitchen. So far she's commented on her hair cut and the trach scar.
With this blog, I wanted to send along a great recipe that you need to try (if you don't have it already)
Jalp Crescent Pinwheels
-4 oz cream cheese, softened
-1/2 c chopped cooked chicken or ham or canadian bacon
-1/4 c chopped fresh cilantro
-2-3 T. finely chopped green onions.
-2-3T. finely chopped jalp chiles
-1/8 t. salt
- 1 can crescent rolls
1. Heat oven to 375 degrees F. Stir together all ingredients except dough. Set aside.
2. Unroll dough. Separate into 2 long rectangles. Place 1 rectangle on long cutting board, press perforations to seal. Spread half of cream cheese mixture on dough rectangle within 1/2 inch of the edges. Start rolling with one long side, roll up rectangle, press seam to seal. Cut roll into 16 slices.
3. Bake according to package.
These are so yummy. My friend Jennifer Mead's mom made them for a church small group at her house and when they left, I ate the left overs. :)
Also, Handy Housewife Tip of the Day:
If you wrap your huge block of cheese in aluminum foil, it won't mold! How awesome is that?! So buy in bulk and grate your own cheese! Go green- well actually keep away from the green. hahaha.
I've promised Mom for a while that I would document her year of recovery thus far and it should be somewhat simple because I vented/journaled through most of it. It's just such a mindblock- so many things went to CRAP in that time. I dropped out of and failed some classes. A meaningful relationship ended, mom's journey, personal testimony, and me breaking down fast. I'll probably post it as another blog on here just so I don't have to go back and forth with dates. It might just be here's what happened, or it might be more detailed in what I remember and feeling and laalala.
Ok. More thoughts later.
That was long.
Thanks for reading.
Admittedly, I cried after reading the page and studying the pictures- before and after. Gabrielle is a beautiful woman. Before her trauma, she was a gorgeous normal woman in her achieving prime- blonde, professional, and in my opinion, "homelike and inviting". She looked like the homeroom mom at school or the mom that takes charge at the soccer meetings. To me, now she looks like a beautiful survivor.
She looks like a woman that beat all odds. A woman that fights everyday for normalcy and sanity and still manages a smile on her beautiful face. She looks like, my mom.
Gabrielle has the same features my mom has had. She has a trach scar from breathing and feeding tubes. One of her eyes is slightly smaller than the other one- hiding behind now necessary glasses. Her hair texture has changed. It's an odd change- almost like coarse, and brittle dead upon dead ends. She also has a wonderful straight smile. In the article, they ask if she wants, will be able to, or is willing to go another term as an Arizona congresswoman. Her and her spokeswoman are kinda vague, but really leaned in the same direction- That's not really what matters right now! Geeze.
This woman escaped death and is still in her 5th month of rehab (shwew!). What's important now is what this woman feels and lives- now who she is and what her life was made up of. I remember before Mom was ever released from anything and people were asking about her scars and abilities and future work and I just wanted to shake them and say She's breathing on her own okay!?
After 2 and a half months of watching tubes and vitals and numbers and liquids and blood drains and hand twitches and blinks and toe jerks, I didn't care if she never put on her own shoes again- she's alive. And we would have chopped off our LIMBS for the payment of that HUGE miracle.
Anywho, just part of the thought process this week. Mom has been following Gabrielle pretty well- it's very interesting to her. In fact, she's reading the article aloud in the kitchen. So far she's commented on her hair cut and the trach scar.
With this blog, I wanted to send along a great recipe that you need to try (if you don't have it already)
Jalp Crescent Pinwheels
-4 oz cream cheese, softened
-1/2 c chopped cooked chicken or ham or canadian bacon
-1/4 c chopped fresh cilantro
-2-3 T. finely chopped green onions.
-2-3T. finely chopped jalp chiles
-1/8 t. salt
- 1 can crescent rolls
1. Heat oven to 375 degrees F. Stir together all ingredients except dough. Set aside.
2. Unroll dough. Separate into 2 long rectangles. Place 1 rectangle on long cutting board, press perforations to seal. Spread half of cream cheese mixture on dough rectangle within 1/2 inch of the edges. Start rolling with one long side, roll up rectangle, press seam to seal. Cut roll into 16 slices.
3. Bake according to package.
These are so yummy. My friend Jennifer Mead's mom made them for a church small group at her house and when they left, I ate the left overs. :)
Also, Handy Housewife Tip of the Day:
If you wrap your huge block of cheese in aluminum foil, it won't mold! How awesome is that?! So buy in bulk and grate your own cheese! Go green- well actually keep away from the green. hahaha.
I've promised Mom for a while that I would document her year of recovery thus far and it should be somewhat simple because I vented/journaled through most of it. It's just such a mindblock- so many things went to CRAP in that time. I dropped out of and failed some classes. A meaningful relationship ended, mom's journey, personal testimony, and me breaking down fast. I'll probably post it as another blog on here just so I don't have to go back and forth with dates. It might just be here's what happened, or it might be more detailed in what I remember and feeling and laalala.
Ok. More thoughts later.
That was long.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Cranky
Fair warning- I'm cranky today. I think my whole life my enclosed family has thought that I was prissy and cranky because my dad and brother can endure anything in rural life and I'm a pansy- or don't like to rough it if I'm not ready. Now, mind you, I have always thought that I would thrive in Laura Ingalls Wilder times. I would love to cook by woodstove, haul water in from a well, feed chickens and sheep of a morning and take turns stocking the fire at night. But lately, I've been downright cantankerous about my modern life. I don't know if it just sucks or if I just complain too much. Ummm actually probably both, but I don't know which people more see. Maybe you can judge. I will just start with some things at the top of my head. Now, a disclaimer, I'm pretty mean and stubborn and like things done MY way. Who doesn't? I almost always get what I want -for myself- it's for me, why not have it MY way? So I'll vent about our laundry situation: I was talking to my Aunt Patty after church today about how all my dad wanted for Father's Day plans was to catch up on laundry. This is a joke. If you've been following me and my personal life, you know that I absolutely LOVE doing laundry. This is not sarcasm. I love it. I love sorting it, washing it, hanging it up to dry (what we do to save money at the farm) or put it in the dryer so it comes out nice and fluffy (towels and the such), folding, hanging up, ironing, whatever. I love to do laundry. I've loved to do laundry for as long as I can remember. ( I don't MIND doing dishes as long as I don't have to unload the dishwasher, and I haven't been in a situation in a while where I have to handwash the dishes so we won't get into that now). My dad has done the laundry at this house for years. Like I was starting high school maybe even before that, that long ago. He kinda washes everything weird. It doesn't matter if the tshirts and jeans wash and dry together to him- he likes blue underwear and blue shirts. It's kinda like accidentally washing a red sock with your whites only worse. He doesn't use bleach or fabric softener but here is the WORST part: he lets the "clean" laundry set in the basket outside the machines for days in turn or when he gets a chance to be put in the dryer or hung up. THEY MILDEW. or they smell like they've mildewed, and my dad, 60 years old this year, cannot smell this. He can smell my scentsy when he walks in the room to the point where he coughs and throws a fit and if you spray air freshener after you use the restroom, he usually has to leave the area, and candles are just torture devices to him, but he can't smell the MILDEW in the towels. THEN he dries them. yes. dries them after they've mildewed. And he doesn't care that when you dry off after a shower with a mildewed towel that you now smell like mildew- he CANNOT smell. My eye is actually twitching over this right now. Needless to say, I do my own laundry and have since i was like 9. Over the past couple of years, mom has started doing her own laundry but in the past year, dad has done all the laundry (don't get me wrong we love that he does stuff for our family and helps around the house) and so now mom is like, umm now that Amber is here, let's rewash all the laundry. Dad hasn't stopped doing the laundry though. He won't stop either and it's starting to be like when your 4 year old helps fold the towels and they are just haphazard and unpresentable and you refold them? (Wink wink Ashtin) and so we just let Dad "do laundry" . So that is a Major frustration in my daily life. It sucks living with this smell in your house.
Did I mention it's 87 degrees in this house right now? :)
And I'm sweating in places women DO NOT have sweat glands :)
And that my hair sweats when I'm just sitting down and I haven't slept under a sheet or covers in 3 weeks and I have to sleep with my door shut because Hugo wanders the house at night and wakes Dad up if he even steps on a paper? :)
It makes me soooo frustrated. I was trying to get ready to go out last night (the first time in a couple weeks) to see my friends, and I couldn't put my skirt on because I was sweating so bad so I had to put it on over my head so I could pull it and the sweat down? I left in a huff and did my hair and makeup in the Walgreens parking lot. This is not a joke.
This morning I woke up and nothing in my closet was acceptable. Too hot to wear anything and I almost wore sleep shorts and a tank top, but I didn't. That wasn't a big thing. I did my hair and makeup in the church parking lot this morning. Then after church, I wanted greasy, cheap Chinese food from the mall- you know the stuff. It's all one color so it's got to be good right? That's my philosophy on food by the way. Fried chicken, sauteed squash, mashed potatoes, and a yeast roll- are all in the same slice of the color wheel. So they've got to be good and good together. Anyway, my parents wanted Panda from Springdale ( I used to throw a FIT over eating there as a teenager because it's gross buffet food and gross people that don't watch their children while they wipe their nose and then dig into the fried rice and jump in front of you and don't say sorry or excuse me-another reason i don't like to eat at Golden Corral or Cici's pizza amiright?) and so to save gas, I rode with them (we take separate vehicles because they go to Sunday school and I meet them for church) and I swear, my dad's deodorant filllled the little car and my brother jerked the steering wheel back and forth between the dotted and solid lines more than I could count. Gives me a headache right? Just what I need before loading up on MSG. Am I complaining too much? Is this annoying? Lemme know. Also, the air in the CRV doesn't really work well bc the energy is focused on the motor, not the lights and accessories.
Anyway-I could not wait to get home. I took ib profeun. Rubbed an embarassing amount of icy hott on my back and shoulders, checked my prescription for Xanax, and layed down and popped in a movie that somehow drowned out the war movie that my dad and brother were watching on volume 70 in the living room. Shouting and guns and slander! Who wouldn't want to hear that?!
Maybe I should buy a stun gun.
So, I'm curiously interested, do you think I am justified in being annoyed?
Or do I need to toughen and shut up?
Also, this, along with most of my posts in the past ohhh 21 years are man bashing. I don't hate my male family-obviously... they just drive me a little town south of nuts most days.
I'm sure I'll have all male children to compensate for this- don't worry.
I'm very appreciative of my dad's dedication and compassion to this family especially over the past year, and I know that things could be A LOTTTT worse. I'm very grateful that he has lived up to his better or worse vows and that he's been very caring and sensitive as best he can towards my wonderful mother.
He's never raised a hand to us, and showed love the best way he could. He never smoked or even drank in front of me until I was legal enough to drink myself. He's been loyal to his wife and family. He hates my cat, but so do lots of people (Oh I know who you are)... and so Happy Father's Day to him. Sorry I'm lame about being a daughter, but sometimes, June 19th is really just a Sunday.
So more thoughts later.
I'd like to hear yours now.>>>> GO!
Did I mention it's 87 degrees in this house right now? :)
And I'm sweating in places women DO NOT have sweat glands :)
And that my hair sweats when I'm just sitting down and I haven't slept under a sheet or covers in 3 weeks and I have to sleep with my door shut because Hugo wanders the house at night and wakes Dad up if he even steps on a paper? :)
It makes me soooo frustrated. I was trying to get ready to go out last night (the first time in a couple weeks) to see my friends, and I couldn't put my skirt on because I was sweating so bad so I had to put it on over my head so I could pull it and the sweat down? I left in a huff and did my hair and makeup in the Walgreens parking lot. This is not a joke.
This morning I woke up and nothing in my closet was acceptable. Too hot to wear anything and I almost wore sleep shorts and a tank top, but I didn't. That wasn't a big thing. I did my hair and makeup in the church parking lot this morning. Then after church, I wanted greasy, cheap Chinese food from the mall- you know the stuff. It's all one color so it's got to be good right? That's my philosophy on food by the way. Fried chicken, sauteed squash, mashed potatoes, and a yeast roll- are all in the same slice of the color wheel. So they've got to be good and good together. Anyway, my parents wanted Panda from Springdale ( I used to throw a FIT over eating there as a teenager because it's gross buffet food and gross people that don't watch their children while they wipe their nose and then dig into the fried rice and jump in front of you and don't say sorry or excuse me-another reason i don't like to eat at Golden Corral or Cici's pizza amiright?) and so to save gas, I rode with them (we take separate vehicles because they go to Sunday school and I meet them for church) and I swear, my dad's deodorant filllled the little car and my brother jerked the steering wheel back and forth between the dotted and solid lines more than I could count. Gives me a headache right? Just what I need before loading up on MSG. Am I complaining too much? Is this annoying? Lemme know. Also, the air in the CRV doesn't really work well bc the energy is focused on the motor, not the lights and accessories.
Anyway-I could not wait to get home. I took ib profeun. Rubbed an embarassing amount of icy hott on my back and shoulders, checked my prescription for Xanax, and layed down and popped in a movie that somehow drowned out the war movie that my dad and brother were watching on volume 70 in the living room. Shouting and guns and slander! Who wouldn't want to hear that?!
Maybe I should buy a stun gun.
So, I'm curiously interested, do you think I am justified in being annoyed?
Or do I need to toughen and shut up?
Also, this, along with most of my posts in the past ohhh 21 years are man bashing. I don't hate my male family-obviously... they just drive me a little town south of nuts most days.
I'm sure I'll have all male children to compensate for this- don't worry.
I'm very appreciative of my dad's dedication and compassion to this family especially over the past year, and I know that things could be A LOTTTT worse. I'm very grateful that he has lived up to his better or worse vows and that he's been very caring and sensitive as best he can towards my wonderful mother.
He's never raised a hand to us, and showed love the best way he could. He never smoked or even drank in front of me until I was legal enough to drink myself. He's been loyal to his wife and family. He hates my cat, but so do lots of people (Oh I know who you are)... and so Happy Father's Day to him. Sorry I'm lame about being a daughter, but sometimes, June 19th is really just a Sunday.
So more thoughts later.
I'd like to hear yours now.>>>> GO!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Cold Part
Currently listening to The Cold Part by Modest Mouse. Epic Song. I encourage you to listen along. ;)
6-16-11 3:53am
I'm awake on purpose. In a few hours I want to go apply at a coffeehouse in Springdale for a full time barista. I drank coffee before I went to bed. It's kept me awake. So I haven't really journaled in a while. I guess I've been busy and haven't had a lot that I wanted to write down. Dad chose surgery for his prostate cancer. He went to the doc today, he meets with the surgeon in about 2 weeks and will have surgery in about 12 weeks. My dad WILL BE a THREE TIME CANCER SURVIVOR. He had colon cancer when I was in the third grade (8 years old) and he's had numerous skin cancer spots taken off his face and ears over the past years. Robert had some worrisome abdominal issues but the diagnostic clinic assured him it's not a big deal and so he's back and running. It is always something around here. :/
I woke up super early this morning from a HORRIBLE dream. Horrible things kept happening to me and the people in my dream until I figured out a solution to a riddle or something. My hands were absolutely numb when I woke up. Mom woke me up later. She was standing in my doorway crying. She was trying to figure out and remember what she had done wrong. She thought she had killed someone or something and this was punishment. I told her this wasn't punishment and that this was a second cahnge because she almost died. Then she asked if we were hiding something from her like a brain tumor. I told her no and that we've never kept anything from her. Sometimes after a stressful day or a restless night of sleep, she wakes up so confused and down in the dumps. She's foggy and stressed and frustrated about the changes in her body since her accident.She doesn't have these episodes a lot and they've been less severe and frequent since I moved home. Not saying that contributes. It just helps. Sometimes she gets really really upset adn her mood changes drastically- she gets mean and bitter. Not my mom at all. Dad heard her crying and she asked him what she did to cause everyone pain. Dad told her no one was in pain. So he had her eat breakfast and take her morning pill that basically keeps her awake and helps her to stay focused.
He got her out of the house later. When they got home, she sat in the kitchen with me and talked while I made dinner. I just made a simple salad and spaghetti but she enjoyed feeding Hugo lettuce. We refer to her as Hugo's Gammy. :)
She'll say, come sit with Gammy. She's going to go nuts when we finally have grandchildren around here ;)
My cat is crazy. He loves broccoli leaves, bananas, lettuce, and potato peels. After dinner, I made up a batch of sloppy joes to eat on this week and helped Mom clean up the kitchen. Right before we all settled in to sleep, she fell somehow- immediateley called out that she was fine. I actually thought Hugo knocked something over. Dad rushed in and hugged her and just closed his eyes- you could tell it really scared him.
In my lateness and being awake, I reorganized my books and did all of my ironing and some organizing while watching HP7 Pt1.
I'm really excited about today. It's going to be a good day. I can feel it. (This may be the caffeine talking)
More thoughts later.
-Later. Actually about 7pm
Today was great!
After running to Springdale, I went to Wal-Mart to drop off some film- do people still do that!? Ha! Then I got caught in the rain and ended up just taking off my shoes to run through the parking lot to get to my car. Then I was CRAVING donuts! I haven't actively had a donut since like.... my 21st birthday when I had whiskey and donuts. I got 2 dozen donut holes from Bradley's donuts in Farmington and had one dozen ate before the next stoplight. Hehe. When I got home, I slept! Ha! Bc I haven't been to bed yet... I slept about 6 hours. Horrible nightmares again! Maybe from having sugar in my system before sleeping. Oops.
It's Thursday and Thursday is my favorite day! I woke up and had cheddar beddar brautwursts and watermelon and homemade sweet tea. Now I'm blogging and watching Wheel of Fortune (One of my favorites) and listening to Modest Mouse and Robert's on a date and my parents went to a friends house and (shouldn't that be backwards) and I'm going to watch BIG BANG THEORY!!! And probably find something chocolate to eat. I swear, if I had cable and dvr, I would dvr gameshows and stupid shows. I am a nerd. I know.
Well. More thoughts later.
To leave you with something uber positive:
EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE TO THE ONE WHO BELIEVES. -Mark 9:23
6-16-11 3:53am
I'm awake on purpose. In a few hours I want to go apply at a coffeehouse in Springdale for a full time barista. I drank coffee before I went to bed. It's kept me awake. So I haven't really journaled in a while. I guess I've been busy and haven't had a lot that I wanted to write down. Dad chose surgery for his prostate cancer. He went to the doc today, he meets with the surgeon in about 2 weeks and will have surgery in about 12 weeks. My dad WILL BE a THREE TIME CANCER SURVIVOR. He had colon cancer when I was in the third grade (8 years old) and he's had numerous skin cancer spots taken off his face and ears over the past years. Robert had some worrisome abdominal issues but the diagnostic clinic assured him it's not a big deal and so he's back and running. It is always something around here. :/
I woke up super early this morning from a HORRIBLE dream. Horrible things kept happening to me and the people in my dream until I figured out a solution to a riddle or something. My hands were absolutely numb when I woke up. Mom woke me up later. She was standing in my doorway crying. She was trying to figure out and remember what she had done wrong. She thought she had killed someone or something and this was punishment. I told her this wasn't punishment and that this was a second cahnge because she almost died. Then she asked if we were hiding something from her like a brain tumor. I told her no and that we've never kept anything from her. Sometimes after a stressful day or a restless night of sleep, she wakes up so confused and down in the dumps. She's foggy and stressed and frustrated about the changes in her body since her accident.She doesn't have these episodes a lot and they've been less severe and frequent since I moved home. Not saying that contributes. It just helps. Sometimes she gets really really upset adn her mood changes drastically- she gets mean and bitter. Not my mom at all. Dad heard her crying and she asked him what she did to cause everyone pain. Dad told her no one was in pain. So he had her eat breakfast and take her morning pill that basically keeps her awake and helps her to stay focused.
He got her out of the house later. When they got home, she sat in the kitchen with me and talked while I made dinner. I just made a simple salad and spaghetti but she enjoyed feeding Hugo lettuce. We refer to her as Hugo's Gammy. :)
She'll say, come sit with Gammy. She's going to go nuts when we finally have grandchildren around here ;)
My cat is crazy. He loves broccoli leaves, bananas, lettuce, and potato peels. After dinner, I made up a batch of sloppy joes to eat on this week and helped Mom clean up the kitchen. Right before we all settled in to sleep, she fell somehow- immediateley called out that she was fine. I actually thought Hugo knocked something over. Dad rushed in and hugged her and just closed his eyes- you could tell it really scared him.
In my lateness and being awake, I reorganized my books and did all of my ironing and some organizing while watching HP7 Pt1.
I'm really excited about today. It's going to be a good day. I can feel it. (This may be the caffeine talking)
More thoughts later.
-Later. Actually about 7pm
Today was great!
After running to Springdale, I went to Wal-Mart to drop off some film- do people still do that!? Ha! Then I got caught in the rain and ended up just taking off my shoes to run through the parking lot to get to my car. Then I was CRAVING donuts! I haven't actively had a donut since like.... my 21st birthday when I had whiskey and donuts. I got 2 dozen donut holes from Bradley's donuts in Farmington and had one dozen ate before the next stoplight. Hehe. When I got home, I slept! Ha! Bc I haven't been to bed yet... I slept about 6 hours. Horrible nightmares again! Maybe from having sugar in my system before sleeping. Oops.
It's Thursday and Thursday is my favorite day! I woke up and had cheddar beddar brautwursts and watermelon and homemade sweet tea. Now I'm blogging and watching Wheel of Fortune (One of my favorites) and listening to Modest Mouse and Robert's on a date and my parents went to a friends house and (shouldn't that be backwards) and I'm going to watch BIG BANG THEORY!!! And probably find something chocolate to eat. I swear, if I had cable and dvr, I would dvr gameshows and stupid shows. I am a nerd. I know.
Well. More thoughts later.
To leave you with something uber positive:
EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE TO THE ONE WHO BELIEVES. -Mark 9:23
10' Silliness
I don't like cars and I don't like trains.
And when it comes to you, there's nothing but pain.
I don't like whiskey and I don't like singin.
And when it comes to you, my head is always spinnin.
I don't like your music and I don't like babies.
And when it comes to you, I should've stopped at maybe.
I don't like your family or playin cards.
And when it comes to you, it shouldn't be this hard.
I don't like kittens or sandy moonlit walks.
And when it comes to you, you forget how to talk.
I don't like your friends or sunsets by bonfire.
And when it comes to you, baby you were just a liar.
I don't like pictures or playin pool.
And when it comes to you, I see who was the fool.
I don't like bike rides or bein true.
And I didn't like you.
And when it comes to you, there's nothing but pain.
I don't like whiskey and I don't like singin.
And when it comes to you, my head is always spinnin.
I don't like your music and I don't like babies.
And when it comes to you, I should've stopped at maybe.
I don't like your family or playin cards.
And when it comes to you, it shouldn't be this hard.
I don't like kittens or sandy moonlit walks.
And when it comes to you, you forget how to talk.
I don't like your friends or sunsets by bonfire.
And when it comes to you, baby you were just a liar.
I don't like pictures or playin pool.
And when it comes to you, I see who was the fool.
I don't like bike rides or bein true.
And I didn't like you.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Gravity
Holy cow pies. I can't believe I haven't been on an actual computer in a week to post. I guess we have been busy?? I swear, around here, I feel like we do nothing all day, or everything we do takes forever and before you know it, it's way past bed time. So today is one of my favorite days of the year strictly because it is the 13th. I love the number 13. Anywho, on the 15th, Dad goes back to his Urologist and I think he has made a decision to have the surgery. There are different types of that and I haven't been too invasive on what kind he wants to have. I'm his daughter and it's a little weird to talk about my dad's body parts even in family meetings much worse in the Internet. Yuck. Anywho, I think he is doing better. We got two parts of the field's hay done before the rain came in and I'm happy to say that I helped! I haven't been on a tractor since I was a double digit age and although I remember how to drive one, I can definitely say that it was way different than Jason's Diesel Jetta on the way to Florida and back. I did get a little sun, but no burn, and I'm still in the skin classification of albino. I moved hay bales on the back bar point of the tractor. I am a weakling and so to shift the tractor into reverse to pick up the bales, I would have to jerk the shifter forward and my left arm would slam into the huge metal steering wheel. Ya. I have a nice egg sized green and yellow bruise that has some raspberry flakes coming out of it because I did this for a few days and I'm sure that I have a busted blood vessel or my arm has a disease now and will be falling off shortly. I'm not too worried. Also, the bruise on my left foot from the horse stepping on it has heeled pretty much. It's a little sore to the touch but it hasn't affected my walking. I did manage to take a 3inch slice out of my leg shaving in the shower that bled and bled and bled and that concludes Amber's injuries of the week.
It's still hot around here. We still don't have air conditioning and you can definitely tell the slightest degree change at night. My mother is so cold blooded, she still wears her knee high socks under all her jeans, but if she's happy, I'm happy.
In the mornings we walk up and down our long gravel driveway and then sometime in the afternoon we end up in the front yard soaking up the breezes. I usually lay out and she usually stays on the sidewalk in a chair. Both of us have puzzle books or recently we have been coloring!! It's a nice way to spend time together and get out of the hottness and frustrations of the house.
I'm very proud of Mom's improvement. She has been doing extra homework on the side. Recently, I've been making up new homework for her. Like this week in therapy, they are practicing making phone calls. So they do some worksheets and then she looks up a number in the phonebook for a local business and calls and inquires about their hours and then our therapist makes up some questions about it like if she gets off at 7pm, can she make it to Westwood Gardens on Wedington on Thursday? The answer is no btw, because they close at 6. I think.? Anywho- I try to make up some extra homework for her to challenge her and it was going really well until we had an old phone book, her cell phone went dead, and then the theater I had her call didn't have the movie I asked her to look up times for. I tried though ok? I tried.
My best guy friend Tyler went to Bonnaroo this past week! I was supposed to go with him, but due to money issues, I ended up selling my ticket to his roommate. They got into a gnarly wreck on the way down there (Tennessee) and ended up renting a rental car and then it was morbidly hot and they were camping and they just got home blahblahblah. But!- Tyler did send me two voicemails of two of my favorite bands playing live. Love that kid.
I think men are going to be the death of me. I have been fighting with my Mister since oh ya know- like February. I've spent an hour with him since February. He's a turd, but I'm pretty mean too. You don't need to know much about that.
But, after church and lunch yesterday, Dad said that our gameplan was to go home and clean on the house since we have been rampant busy with therapies, and grocery shopping and hay and blaaaah. And so we all get home- I get started back in my part of the house with sorting laundry and clearing paths (yes paths of junk) to vacuum around and I make it back to the utility room and what are Robert and Dad doing? Watchin a movie with their shirts and socks off. What the crap!? Boys are crazy. There is no I in we. Or team. But there is an I in I fell for that.
I know I'm not making much sense. Sorry.
Robert passed me a note yesterday in church that said " I recieved the Arkansas Challenge Scholarship." (The lottery money scholarship that many students are finally benefiting from) My response: " You spelled "received" incorrectly". He told me to shut up.
Oh boys. I think I'm gonna go enjoy some more breezes.
More thoughts later.
It's still hot around here. We still don't have air conditioning and you can definitely tell the slightest degree change at night. My mother is so cold blooded, she still wears her knee high socks under all her jeans, but if she's happy, I'm happy.
In the mornings we walk up and down our long gravel driveway and then sometime in the afternoon we end up in the front yard soaking up the breezes. I usually lay out and she usually stays on the sidewalk in a chair. Both of us have puzzle books or recently we have been coloring!! It's a nice way to spend time together and get out of the hottness and frustrations of the house.
I'm very proud of Mom's improvement. She has been doing extra homework on the side. Recently, I've been making up new homework for her. Like this week in therapy, they are practicing making phone calls. So they do some worksheets and then she looks up a number in the phonebook for a local business and calls and inquires about their hours and then our therapist makes up some questions about it like if she gets off at 7pm, can she make it to Westwood Gardens on Wedington on Thursday? The answer is no btw, because they close at 6. I think.? Anywho- I try to make up some extra homework for her to challenge her and it was going really well until we had an old phone book, her cell phone went dead, and then the theater I had her call didn't have the movie I asked her to look up times for. I tried though ok? I tried.
My best guy friend Tyler went to Bonnaroo this past week! I was supposed to go with him, but due to money issues, I ended up selling my ticket to his roommate. They got into a gnarly wreck on the way down there (Tennessee) and ended up renting a rental car and then it was morbidly hot and they were camping and they just got home blahblahblah. But!- Tyler did send me two voicemails of two of my favorite bands playing live. Love that kid.
I think men are going to be the death of me. I have been fighting with my Mister since oh ya know- like February. I've spent an hour with him since February. He's a turd, but I'm pretty mean too. You don't need to know much about that.
But, after church and lunch yesterday, Dad said that our gameplan was to go home and clean on the house since we have been rampant busy with therapies, and grocery shopping and hay and blaaaah. And so we all get home- I get started back in my part of the house with sorting laundry and clearing paths (yes paths of junk) to vacuum around and I make it back to the utility room and what are Robert and Dad doing? Watchin a movie with their shirts and socks off. What the crap!? Boys are crazy. There is no I in we. Or team. But there is an I in I fell for that.
I know I'm not making much sense. Sorry.
Robert passed me a note yesterday in church that said " I recieved the Arkansas Challenge Scholarship." (The lottery money scholarship that many students are finally benefiting from) My response: " You spelled "received" incorrectly". He told me to shut up.
Oh boys. I think I'm gonna go enjoy some more breezes.
More thoughts later.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Well all that icing and all taht cake, I can't make it to your wedding, but I'm sure I'll be at your wake.
The Shoelace, copyright Charles Bukowski, 1972
a woman, a
tire that’s flat, a
disease, a
desire: fears in front of you,
fears that hold so still
you can study them
like pieces on a
chessboard…
it’s not the large things that
send a man to the
madhouse. death he’s ready for, or
murder, incest, robbery, fire, flood…
no, it’s the continuing series of small tragedies
that send a man to the
madhouse…
not the death of his love
but a shoelace that snaps
with no time left …
The dread of life
is that swarm of trivialities
that can kill quicker than cancer
and which are always there -
license plates or taxes
or expired driver’s license,
or hiring or firing,
doing it or having it done to you, or
roaches or flies or a
broken hook on a
screen, or out of gas
or too much gas,
the sink’s stopped-up, the landlord’s drunk,
the president doesn’t care and the governor’s
crazy.
light switch broken, mattress like a
porcupine;
$105 for a tune-up, carburetor and fuel pump at
sears roebuck;
and the phone bill’s up and the market’s
down
and the toilet chain is
broken,
and the light has burned out -
the hall light, the front light, the back light,
the inner light; it’s
darker than hell
and twice as
expensive.
then there’s always crabs and ingrown toenails
and people who insist they’re
your friends;
there’s always that and worse;
leaky faucet, christ and christmas;
blue salami, 9 day rains,
50 cent avocados
and purple
liverwurst.
or making it
as a waitress at norm’s on the split shift,
or as an emptier of
bedpans,
or as a carwash or a busboy
or a stealer of old lady’s purses
leaving them screaming on the sidewalks
with broken arms at the age of 80.
suddenly
2 red lights in your rear view mirror
and blood in your
underwear;
toothache, and $979 for a bridge
$300 for a gold
tooth,
and china and russia and america, and
long hair and short hair and no
hair, and beards and no
faces, and plenty of zigzag but no
pot, except maybe one to piss in
and the other one around your
gut.
with each broken shoelace
out of one hundred broken shoelaces,
one man, one woman, one
thing
enters a
madhouse.
so be careful
when you
bend over
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37Z9KpPNun8
Bukowski- Modest Mouse
This has nothing pertaining to the Poem, other than they are both including "Bukowski"
a woman, a
tire that’s flat, a
disease, a
desire: fears in front of you,
fears that hold so still
you can study them
like pieces on a
chessboard…
it’s not the large things that
send a man to the
madhouse. death he’s ready for, or
murder, incest, robbery, fire, flood…
no, it’s the continuing series of small tragedies
that send a man to the
madhouse…
not the death of his love
but a shoelace that snaps
with no time left …
The dread of life
is that swarm of trivialities
that can kill quicker than cancer
and which are always there -
license plates or taxes
or expired driver’s license,
or hiring or firing,
doing it or having it done to you, or
roaches or flies or a
broken hook on a
screen, or out of gas
or too much gas,
the sink’s stopped-up, the landlord’s drunk,
the president doesn’t care and the governor’s
crazy.
light switch broken, mattress like a
porcupine;
$105 for a tune-up, carburetor and fuel pump at
sears roebuck;
and the phone bill’s up and the market’s
down
and the toilet chain is
broken,
and the light has burned out -
the hall light, the front light, the back light,
the inner light; it’s
darker than hell
and twice as
expensive.
then there’s always crabs and ingrown toenails
and people who insist they’re
your friends;
there’s always that and worse;
leaky faucet, christ and christmas;
blue salami, 9 day rains,
50 cent avocados
and purple
liverwurst.
or making it
as a waitress at norm’s on the split shift,
or as an emptier of
bedpans,
or as a carwash or a busboy
or a stealer of old lady’s purses
leaving them screaming on the sidewalks
with broken arms at the age of 80.
suddenly
2 red lights in your rear view mirror
and blood in your
underwear;
toothache, and $979 for a bridge
$300 for a gold
tooth,
and china and russia and america, and
long hair and short hair and no
hair, and beards and no
faces, and plenty of zigzag but no
pot, except maybe one to piss in
and the other one around your
gut.
with each broken shoelace
out of one hundred broken shoelaces,
one man, one woman, one
thing
enters a
madhouse.
so be careful
when you
bend over
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37Z9KpPNun8
Bukowski- Modest Mouse
This has nothing pertaining to the Poem, other than they are both including "Bukowski"
The most precious posession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart.
June 1st
Get out of my head. Get out of my heart. Get out of my life. Get out of my dreams. Get out of my hope. Get out of my soul. Get out of my prayers. Get out of me.
Please.
I'm begging.
Get out of my head. Get out of my heart. Get out of my life. Get out of my dreams. Get out of my hope. Get out of my soul. Get out of my prayers. Get out of me.
Please.
I'm begging.
Friday, June 3, 2011
A Million Little Pieces (Warning: PG-17 Rating and Irrelevant)
I've recently read most of "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. I know it's not really Oprah's favorite anymore, but Oprah isn't my favorite. I had to stop like 45 pages to the end because it was getting so dark and depressing and I had read the epilogue and after something happens, and it can't be changed, it doesn't really matter how it happened anymore. Idk. It's still in my floor with a bookmark in it taunting me. Sidenote: Why in the world do people BUY bookmarks? Anywho, it's not secret that after Mom's whole ordeal, I have had depression and anxiety issues myself. I'm still being treated for them to this day, and sometimes the issues flare up, and let's just say I met my $2,000 medical insurance deductible before Valentine's Day. So being able to relate a little to James in his fictitious standing, I highlighted the passages I liked, and want to share them now with you, as you may never ever read the book. And unless you are used to dealing and handling dark matter (not the physics matter stuff) -iiiiit's not really a book I would personally recommend. So lo and behold, here we go: (Warning: The language is rough. Real rough. Backseat of the school bus ROUGH.) I'll edit it as much as I can, as I know several of my Last Name Sakes are reading.
1) "I'd a shot that Motherf-ers **** off and served it to his Momma on a sandwich." Ha. ok that one really made me laugh.
I love this paragraph about dignity. It's persuasive and makes me want to believe it myself. He could be right.
2) " I know a bit about the loss of dignity. I know that when you take away a man's dignity there is a hole, a deep black hole filled with despair, humiliation and self-hatred, filled with emptiness, shame, and disgrace, filled with loss and isolation and Hell. It's a deep, dark, horrible f-ing hole, and that hole is where people like me live our sad-as$, f-ed up, dignity-free, inhuman lives, and where we die, alone, miserable, wasted, and forgotten."
3) "Open mind, empty mind. I wonder if they're the same thing."
4)"The loss inhabits, fills and overwhelms me. It is the loss of a childhood of being a Teenager of normalcy of happiness of love of trust of reason of God of Family of friends of future of potential of dignity of humanity of sanity of myself of everything everything everything. I lost everything and I am lost reduced to a mass of mourning, sadness, grief, anguish, and heartache. I am lost. I have lost. Everything. Everything."
5)"If the book goes in the trash, I want it to go because of my thoughts on it, not because of some A-hole's thoughts who wrote the Introduction."
6) "The wounds that never heal can only be mourned alone" (That may be my favorite line)
7)"They say don't compare or compete simply be yourself. The say fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill, keep sharpening your knife and it will dull. They say chase after money and your heart will never unclench. Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner."
8) "If you do get caught, do it again."
That's all I've copied from the book since I stopped. I like all the purposeful capitalization of words when they were not meant to be grammatically. Frey does this, I think, to emphasize the importance of these nouns.
1) "I'd a shot that Motherf-ers **** off and served it to his Momma on a sandwich." Ha. ok that one really made me laugh.
I love this paragraph about dignity. It's persuasive and makes me want to believe it myself. He could be right.
2) " I know a bit about the loss of dignity. I know that when you take away a man's dignity there is a hole, a deep black hole filled with despair, humiliation and self-hatred, filled with emptiness, shame, and disgrace, filled with loss and isolation and Hell. It's a deep, dark, horrible f-ing hole, and that hole is where people like me live our sad-as$, f-ed up, dignity-free, inhuman lives, and where we die, alone, miserable, wasted, and forgotten."
3) "Open mind, empty mind. I wonder if they're the same thing."
4)"The loss inhabits, fills and overwhelms me. It is the loss of a childhood of being a Teenager of normalcy of happiness of love of trust of reason of God of Family of friends of future of potential of dignity of humanity of sanity of myself of everything everything everything. I lost everything and I am lost reduced to a mass of mourning, sadness, grief, anguish, and heartache. I am lost. I have lost. Everything. Everything."
5)"If the book goes in the trash, I want it to go because of my thoughts on it, not because of some A-hole's thoughts who wrote the Introduction."
6) "The wounds that never heal can only be mourned alone" (That may be my favorite line)
7)"They say don't compare or compete simply be yourself. The say fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill, keep sharpening your knife and it will dull. They say chase after money and your heart will never unclench. Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner."
8) "If you do get caught, do it again."
That's all I've copied from the book since I stopped. I like all the purposeful capitalization of words when they were not meant to be grammatically. Frey does this, I think, to emphasize the importance of these nouns.
June 3rd- There's Always a Dark Side to Whatever I Cook
So tomorrow is my precious mom's 53rd Birthday!!!
So I've been thinking about this for a while, and I think that recycling should be a law...
It would be if I were in charge. I read something funny today that said if you manage to not eat any of your fries from the drivethru to home, then you deserve to be president. I tooootally agree with that.
But think about it: First of all, that would be creating jobs for lots of people. The people that pick it up would have to increase. The plant size would have to increase creating jobs there and for the construction of it, and so on and so forth. Secondly, as you recycle materials, the cost of material production should go down for the company and then you as a consumer/purchaser should be able to reap the benefits of lower costs too! Pollution goes down, global warming goes down, the ozone layer is not constantly drilled into. Think about what you throw away on a daily basis. Pizza boxes, cereal boxes, milk containers, Dr. Pepper cans and bottles. Aluminum foil, batteries, paper, paper plates, styrofoam. I'm sure if you've ever cleaned out your car too, you know exactly the variety of things that could be recycled. They end up in the car wash dump. And then they end up in a landfill and the state is purchasing precious land to dig deeper to bury soiled diapers and coke bottles. Woot. Plus, if I were in charge, not only would it be a law (and it would be enforced and someone would be hired to check on such things by some software that if they bought 6 cases of Diet Coke from Sam's Club -ok I'm even guilty of that- that they should have to recycle at least 98% of that. mmmk? ) - you could reap some tax back/monetary gain for recycling. Also, if you recycle metal, tires, oil, big cha ching ok? But I can't not eat those scorching hot fries before I get 4 stoplights from home. Especially Chic-fil-A fries. So I can't be president. :(
I love going to bed. When I go to bed, I feel like a fancy editor or an architect. I'm all propped up with 5 pillows, my tv on, the remotes buried beneath the sheets, my clipboard and journal always displaying its importance in my bed time routine. I always have multiple books, magazines, news articles open. My planner is open. My prayer journal always has a pen sticking out of it. I need a basket for all these things. But then I would end up going to bed hugging a laundry basket of stationery. I filter through what I can and when I finally am able to doze off, usually at 4 am, I curl up into a weird running fetal position and my knees push all the junk to the side so I can sleep. Sometimes Hugo and I are startled when we roll over a stack of papers. Anywho....
It is hotter than a firecracker in hell in this house. I am literally in soffee shorts and my shirt constantly being tugged at. All the fans are on in the house, but my kneecaps are sweating y'all. Ok? MY KNEECAPS ARE SWEATING. i woke up at noon today and I am already drenched. Try sleeping in this. Forget Fayetteville Craigslist, who's up for a road trip to Nebraska?
Last night Dad came home and told us that 4 of his 12 biopsies showed cancer in his prostate, but he has 8 cancer sitings showing up so the Dr couldn't even hit all the tumors that he has in it. He goes back in 2 weeks. They feel like they have caught it early. He has 2 weeks to decide what he wants to do, and then 12 weeks after that, they will operate, radiate, whathave you. I guess we are not all toooooo worried. He can still do hay and all that. We'll just see how it goes.
I'm going to count the french fry tease as my funny joke.
Tonight, my plans are to probably put a couple pizzas in and then make cupcakes for Mom's birthday tomorrow. I have no idea what we are doing. I got her a huge bouquet of roses and carnations (carnations are her favorite). Her favorite cake is white cake with chocolate icing.
I'm off to sweat! Yay!
Thanks for Reading!
-Amber
So I've been thinking about this for a while, and I think that recycling should be a law...
It would be if I were in charge. I read something funny today that said if you manage to not eat any of your fries from the drivethru to home, then you deserve to be president. I tooootally agree with that.
But think about it: First of all, that would be creating jobs for lots of people. The people that pick it up would have to increase. The plant size would have to increase creating jobs there and for the construction of it, and so on and so forth. Secondly, as you recycle materials, the cost of material production should go down for the company and then you as a consumer/purchaser should be able to reap the benefits of lower costs too! Pollution goes down, global warming goes down, the ozone layer is not constantly drilled into. Think about what you throw away on a daily basis. Pizza boxes, cereal boxes, milk containers, Dr. Pepper cans and bottles. Aluminum foil, batteries, paper, paper plates, styrofoam. I'm sure if you've ever cleaned out your car too, you know exactly the variety of things that could be recycled. They end up in the car wash dump. And then they end up in a landfill and the state is purchasing precious land to dig deeper to bury soiled diapers and coke bottles. Woot. Plus, if I were in charge, not only would it be a law (and it would be enforced and someone would be hired to check on such things by some software that if they bought 6 cases of Diet Coke from Sam's Club -ok I'm even guilty of that- that they should have to recycle at least 98% of that. mmmk? ) - you could reap some tax back/monetary gain for recycling. Also, if you recycle metal, tires, oil, big cha ching ok? But I can't not eat those scorching hot fries before I get 4 stoplights from home. Especially Chic-fil-A fries. So I can't be president. :(
I love going to bed. When I go to bed, I feel like a fancy editor or an architect. I'm all propped up with 5 pillows, my tv on, the remotes buried beneath the sheets, my clipboard and journal always displaying its importance in my bed time routine. I always have multiple books, magazines, news articles open. My planner is open. My prayer journal always has a pen sticking out of it. I need a basket for all these things. But then I would end up going to bed hugging a laundry basket of stationery. I filter through what I can and when I finally am able to doze off, usually at 4 am, I curl up into a weird running fetal position and my knees push all the junk to the side so I can sleep. Sometimes Hugo and I are startled when we roll over a stack of papers. Anywho....
It is hotter than a firecracker in hell in this house. I am literally in soffee shorts and my shirt constantly being tugged at. All the fans are on in the house, but my kneecaps are sweating y'all. Ok? MY KNEECAPS ARE SWEATING. i woke up at noon today and I am already drenched. Try sleeping in this. Forget Fayetteville Craigslist, who's up for a road trip to Nebraska?
Last night Dad came home and told us that 4 of his 12 biopsies showed cancer in his prostate, but he has 8 cancer sitings showing up so the Dr couldn't even hit all the tumors that he has in it. He goes back in 2 weeks. They feel like they have caught it early. He has 2 weeks to decide what he wants to do, and then 12 weeks after that, they will operate, radiate, whathave you. I guess we are not all toooooo worried. He can still do hay and all that. We'll just see how it goes.
I'm going to count the french fry tease as my funny joke.
Tonight, my plans are to probably put a couple pizzas in and then make cupcakes for Mom's birthday tomorrow. I have no idea what we are doing. I got her a huge bouquet of roses and carnations (carnations are her favorite). Her favorite cake is white cake with chocolate icing.
I'm off to sweat! Yay!
Thanks for Reading!
-Amber
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)