To my Father on Father’s Day:

We are so alike it’s probably not good, but over the years I have so much to be thankful for. I know now that you would do anything for me. Thank you for following through on your vows. In a world of “this is hard”, or “it just didn’t work out for us”, I am extremely thankful and blessed that my parents are still married and that you still take care of each other. I know it’s not easy and I know it’s not a lot of fun, but I appreciate that vows are vows to you. It gives a huge brick wall of stability to what a marriage in the eyes of God are upholding to be. Thank you for supporting my college tuition and books. Thank you for calling me every time I have a piece of mail at the farm. Thank you for making sure I always got a T-shirt no matter where we went. Thank you for letting me do whatever I want and making my own mistakes and choices. Thank you for raising me firmly as I seek it in others and know that you needed us to be your pride. Thank you for adding to our interests and choosing adventure over material every weekend. Thank you for never going to sleep before we were home for curfew so you knew we were safe before you went to bed. Thank you for your strength to survive three types of cancer. I just wouldn’t know how to start a tractor without you. Thank you for the times you got up to hug me first, for the times you made sure you told me you did love me. Thank you for making church a priority and for instilling the thought of God Almighty in every situation. Thank you for renting movies every week instead of ever paying for cable. Thank you for buying me old textbooks to play teacher with when I was in elementary school. Thank you for never doing the wrong thing and always trying to do what is right and for never making big mistakes or failing terribly at having moral ground. Thank you for not making me put back my very first cookbook at Barnes and Nobles when I was nine years old. Thank you for appreciating my care for you during chemo and saying I deserved that gift. It is what guided my passion to culinary arts. Thank you for letting me put culinary arts on every scholarship application even though it would turn out I would major in education. Thank you for tuning the radio in the truck to the Spanish channel every time Robert and I fought over the station. I was almost fluent for a while. Thank you for buying me random things when you think I would like them however awful cat blanket, shrunken skull sweatshirt, cases of salsa I mentioned I liked, or dragon car seat coverish they are. Thank you for smiling when I thought I was going to be married. Thank you for still paying my cell phone bill every month. Thank you for every football game you sat through before I could drive so I could be in the student section. Thank you for every basketball game you stayed until the end for. I’ll never know what a good daughter is put I pray every day that it is laid on my heart that I am a good one. A good daughter. Sister. Friend. So Happy Father’s Day to the only Dad I ever had. 

Amber in April

I actually wrote this in March, but it all stands true:

1.
Would always: pray for you
Would never: think my life would turn this way

2. Picky about: clothes!
Not so much about: books....

3.
I feel for: good people in bad situations
No sympathy for: people that create their own hell

4.
Glad it's ahead of me: Tiny living!
Glad it's behind me: my early twenties and all those dumb ideas

5.
Early for:
Food/class/
Late for: Bed. Every. Single. Night

6.
Would pay good money for: timeless clothes and large physical labor (like moving)
Wouldn't take it if it were free: unfinished projects. Simplify!

7.
Fear conquered: If I'll survive what's coming
Not quite there yet: reptiles and amphibians

8.
Getting better at: bed time
Getting worse at: getting mail to the post office

9.
Moment of triumph: taxes were done in february!/ 3.5 gpa last semester
Epic fail: my spring break to do list. Got it all started the Sunday it was over woops.

10. Skills mastered: sewing! (with mom's help)
Can't quite get the hang of: keeping things caught up

11. Risky when it comes to: Food expiration dates (I have a solid stomach)
Play it safe when it comes to: Anything I have to pay for! ha! I like to just go without

12. Always up for: last minute plans! That is the only way to hang with me! I can't keep plans for beans!
Never up for: exercising. ever. gah!

13. Lie about: number of pizza slices
honest about: the realities that make up my life

14. too much in my life: cat hair clumps/ pollen
not enough of: zip and addy snuggles

15. Worth the wait: a Godly husband
No patience for: A Godly husband

16. Better than I expected: now
worse than I expected: cutting things out in the transition to now

17. True believer: ear candles
Major skeptic: women that carry small purses.

Love,
Amber

Way off

Me: My computer is not working properly.
D: What kind of computer do you have?
Me: An HP
D: Really? I had you pegged for as a Yoshiba girl.
Me: Haha. Like the song by The Flaming Lips?
D: What?
Me: Oh wait. That's Yoshimi.
D: I thought that was a type of sushi.

We were just way way off.

Aussie Aussie Aussie. Oi Oi Oi!

This post has nothing to do with football.
 It does have to do with me saying "I" all the time. Writers especially in a collegiate setting are discouraged from starting their paragraphs or ideas with "I". There's always a better way to show the reader what you are saying rather than telling them. And showing and telling have to do with this post as well I guess.

I am super hard on myself. I'm mean to myself and constricting. I have strict ideas that I want to adhere to when it comes to me. Me. Me. Me.

I forced myself into a meditation. I totally felt God's presence as I was flooded with only thoughts for a sermon in my heart. In my life. I was in worship and it was like a workshop for me. I was taking notes about what I was hearing and making notes of how to do things differently. I wasn't focusing on what I was hearing but how I could swirl it into my actions.

Gah. So I tried to swirl it toward a positive plan of action. You know me, I always have a plan. If I don't have a plan in my head, I panic and everyone gets to hear about it.

So I was trying to take some meditation notes/reflections about this time of mediation and I wrote:
My testimony:
My wants:
My plan:
My (thinking what should go here):


and then my brain went silent. For like three seconds. A white pause of air in radio space of Amber thoughts.

"When are you going to stop saying 'My'?"


Boom.
Oh. I guess you are right huh Lord? I am saying MY MY MY. ME. ME. ME. I. I. I. and not in a chanting football way. In a how can I gain glory or attention from this way? Golly. I could picture God in my head chuckling at me. Oh Amber, you think you are so powerful. It's cute. I definitely needed the humility. Step down a notch. I should be in the crowd listening to the sermon, not the commenter on the side.  (I think I'll have more words about that later and as to why)

It's because I am self lead out of fear. I have a tight grasp on my fears and insecurities and I push and rule from that.
But I need to push and rule and seek love.
 I need to trust HIM and obey HIM. And lean not on my own understanding. (inhale.....exhale.....)

Why should I have to follow any different of a direction?
Didn't Jesus have to trust HIM and obey HIM too?
To his death?

Three cheers for you King Jesus. Aussie Aussie Aussie. YOU. YOU. YOU.

I've Got This Friend

Oh, I have got this friend
I don't think you know her
She sings a simple song
It sounds a lot like his

Oh, I've got this friend
Holding onto her heart
Like it's a little secret
Like it's all she's got to give

(The Civil Wars. Album: Barton Hollow)

I've been thinking about friendship a lot this week. I recently diagnosed myself as an ETSJ on the Myer Briggs Personality Scale. It identifies with me so much. They put God first, Family second, and Friends third. But if you know my life, you know my friends are my family. And I have to brag on two friends, on complete ends of the spectrum. I won't name names. But two friends in the Bible came up in my mind when I have been meditating on the acts of friendship and their identity in the Christian religion roles this week. The first one is Mary Magdalene. I know I know. I'm obsessed with her. But in the Gospel of John, Jesus first witnesses his resurrection to Mary. John 20:14-16 says, ¹⁴ At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
¹⁵ He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”
Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”
¹⁶ Jesus said to her, “Mary.”
She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).
I have this friend that I would not know what to do without. She has seriously been my teacher and since my mom and I have difficulty conversating sometimes, I constantly run to her in my weakest moments for guidance, and affirmation. I am thankful for her to call me out on myself and make me look at myself.

Then I have another friend. We are not close by any means, but she has taught me a great lesson about what the "church" means. When I was in my last relationship, I loved the church that we attended. I would attend it now if not for awkwardness and the fact that it is four hours drive away. haha. I met some great people there that would become my church family if this relationship were to continue. When the relationship ended, I decided it best to separate myself from those friends I had made. I didn't want to seek their attention or be an awkward acquaintance or for there to be a side to be on. So I ended my ties on fb with them. And I had one woman who messaged me and was like, Um, why are we not friends on facebook anymore? And I explained to her, hey I didn't mean for that to be snobbish. I just didn't want there to be awkwardness or hurt on my end and she responded NO! We became friends in church and in Christ and that's what we are going to be! No one drew a line. In my mind, I was like, "Wow." What a true church embodiment. We are all in the church of Christ aren't we? No matter what is going on or what we think of each other.

That was a great lesson in my heart about what I should be conveying towards others as I "WALK" with Christ or try my best to follow him and RUN as hard as I can to catch up with him. Some of us are proud lions as guardians on his trail. Protecting his word and have his back as He has ours. And some of us are snails and slugs. We are trying to go in that direction and goodness do we have some JUNK we are dragging along behind us.
So the friend in the bible that I was thinking of with these friends were the disciples with Jesus in the boat right after the beheading of John and right before the loaves and fishes. My thoughts went to Mark, (although the story is in Matthew and Luke too, I like Mark's telling). After John the Baptist's beheading and burial, Jesus and the disciples loaded up in a boat to go to a secluded place and to rest and to get away. Like a biblical boys weekend (Just kidding). Once I heard a pastor say, "Why did Jesus get in the boat?"  Ummm DERRR. It just SAID they were going to get away and get some R&R in. Scoff. And the pastor said, "I mean here Jesus is sitting with these guys and they are ye of little faith (particular to Mark's version- maybe that's why I prefer it) and like oh no. How are we going to feed all these people you just preached to (another love in this as Jesus was seeking seclusion with his disciples and people still wanted to learn from him so he ends up teaching to them. Love that. Like volunteering on your day off.) and Jesus is like, Do ya'll not know who I am?" And the pastor says, "Jesus is probably thinking why did I ride with ya'll in the boat? I could've just WALKED. It's enlightening right? Jesus walked on water and so could have just gone out and walked to wherever he wanted to get away from the stress they all just had to deal with. But it's like he needed his boys.
I really like that aspect of Jesus.  Being with his friends, his disciples, when he didn't have to be, because He's JESUS.
It's like he took the bus when the Ferrari broke down with his friends and he could've just rented another. (Work with me here.)

And what a friend we have in Jesus right? There are hymns and poems and icons dating back to forever ago about the relationship with Jesus as friend. One I am surely working on.
So what I'm trying to say is, I'm so grateful for these friends I have. I don't know what I would do (or not do) without you. Ateam plus all of my second Moms. You know who you are.

Funny Story 2

In my Infant and Toddler Development class this summer, the professor has chosen to say "eliminate" instead of "pooping" or "bowel movement" and I gotta tell you: it CRACKS ME UP. It is sooooo much funnier to me than "poop" it's like the proper form of poop. I know it's awful and I'm pretty certain I'm the oldest person in this class minus the professor and I really struggle not to CHORTLE when she says "eliminate". And I've tried to go home and say it out loud over and over and over and I just can't not LAUGH. I have to sit in the back and bite my tongue and lips and put my hands over my mouth so that I don't SNORT when she says "eliminate". I know. It's so immature. I can't help it. It makes me laugh.

Funny Story

I have a funny story to share with you. It's not 100% appropriate, but what the hay.
I had a little break between lab and class this week on campus  so I went into Subway for lunch. I was eating my lunch and a man of a certain ethnicity walked in and ordered a sandwich. Nothing out of the ordinary, but the sandwich artist asked him if he wanted it, "for here or to go". He says, "yes". So she asks again. "Do you want it for here or to go?" And he says, "Huh?" So she asks differently, "Do you want to eat it now or take it with you?" And he says, "Now." So she wraps his sandwich once and puts it on this little platter like you get fries in at a diner and slides it across the counter to him once he pays. Then the guy obviously confused, picked up the tray with the sandwich and walked out the door. With the tray! Hahahaha. I looked at the lady and she said, "Well, oh well." And went back in the back. I had to laugh.