I found the date at the very end of my list in my journal book. I filled this out on 8-2
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
Mom's stuff and all of that that followed. Hands down.
7. What is your dream job and why?
Man, whatever God wants me to do is fine by me. Wherever the wind blows me.
I would love to be a Philanthropist- make a living at giving money away and helping people.
I would love to be a math teacher, a mom, a librarian. I think I would like being a nurse. I think I would like to be a writer. I want to be a wife. I want to help people.
8.What are five passions you have?
a.Helping people
b.Christ
c.Children
d.Joy
e.Style/Design
9.List ten people who have influenced you and describe how.
a.Ashtin Gragg-the strongest most determined and generous person I know and will ever know.
b. My mom- the bravest woman I know
c. Alison Ruth- my best friend forever. Who finds and joy and selflessness in everything. She taught me everything about compassion.
d. Miss Cindy- for friendship of old souls
e. Amber Boyd- who became my big sister
f. Christie- for better and worse, she's a lot of my past
g. M- who redefined love everytime
h.Sarah Busch- who made me think on the better side of everything and showing me what we deserve.
i.My Brother- who always has my back
j. Tyler Clark- who always held on even when I couldn't
10. Describe your most embarassing moment:
I am an extremely embarassing person. I can't even think of a day I don't embarass myself.
I just roll it off and make sure people know I don't care. :)
Friday, September 14, 2012
Aaaaaaamen!
Golly I love the fall. Today was perfect. Rain. Cold. mmmm.
One of my absolutely favorite things in the world (and right now) is having a chilly room and a sweater and pajama pants and socks on and my hair up in a bun... It just makes me grin ear to ear.
But one of my favorite things in my life now, is when my kids at school, request "Amen". Which, of course, is prayer. I say "praying hands praying hands" and they put our hands together (somehow), and I tell them to close their eyes, and I fold my hands together and put them up to my eyes, and say, "God is great, God is good. Let us thank Him for our food. AMEN!" and we scream Amen and clap and yell YAY!!!
We do this like 7 times during our circle times.
Now, granted, I think they have figured out that they get food when we say prayer, but it still warms my heart and makes me giddy. Because they sign and say More! More! And they are just shouting AMEN! and sometimes they will repeat me when I say "God is great." But nothing thereafter.
Sometimes during our circle time before breakfast, we say "Amen" as many as 12 times?
Is that awesome?
I love working where I am not only allowed, but encouraged, to pray.
We pray at meals, we pray in bible, we pray for boo boos, we pray at nap time, we pray for healing and family and friends, and joy. And anytime we want.
And that my friends, is priceless :)
One of my absolutely favorite things in the world (and right now) is having a chilly room and a sweater and pajama pants and socks on and my hair up in a bun... It just makes me grin ear to ear.
But one of my favorite things in my life now, is when my kids at school, request "Amen". Which, of course, is prayer. I say "praying hands praying hands" and they put our hands together (somehow), and I tell them to close their eyes, and I fold my hands together and put them up to my eyes, and say, "God is great, God is good. Let us thank Him for our food. AMEN!" and we scream Amen and clap and yell YAY!!!
We do this like 7 times during our circle times.
Now, granted, I think they have figured out that they get food when we say prayer, but it still warms my heart and makes me giddy. Because they sign and say More! More! And they are just shouting AMEN! and sometimes they will repeat me when I say "God is great." But nothing thereafter.
Sometimes during our circle time before breakfast, we say "Amen" as many as 12 times?
Is that awesome?
I love working where I am not only allowed, but encouraged, to pray.
We pray at meals, we pray in bible, we pray for boo boos, we pray at nap time, we pray for healing and family and friends, and joy. And anytime we want.
And that my friends, is priceless :)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
A simpler thought
I have been thinking much simpler lately. I'm going to start living a life of honor and simplicity and vurtue. I don't care if I live here for a long time. I'm here with my family and I can work hard at both ends here. Now that the weather is cooler, I'm getting into my realm of life. I don't care about shopping. I care about freedom on my horse. I don't care about men. I need to love myself and my life and I don't want to get married or fall in love because that means I'll never have to be hurt again. I want a life of virtue. I want joy and strength in my life much more than I care what and how it comes. Because I make my own and I am strong and I have joy. Why does everyone always think they are going through hell? People that are really living through hell don't know they are in hell. They just know they need to keep breathing. And hell is a lot like chicken pox. If you don't get it bad enough the first time, you get it again. I had chicken pox so bad when I was little that it was in my mouth and hair and bottom of my feet. I feel like I'll run through hell again because I'm strong enough to do it. I had a conversation witha counselor once about that. If I wasn't strong enough to go through it because life isn't for the weak and the weak never live a life at all. He asked me why I thought I went through all of it. Why did this happen in my life and what am I supposed to do with it? I said, WHO knows? My compassion has changed. I thought I may end up helping under priveleged children in a third world country and write everything down and sell a book. He said he could totally see me doing that. Maybe not a best seller but he thinks I was meant to do something with this.
Sometimes I wish it was the future already and I could just go. Go somewhere. And start over. I'd love to own a teeny tiny house with land to roam on. Start over and be free and take care of myself and hold on to joy. Joy starts with compassion don't you think? My compassion started at Bright Haven and grew to joy and then love.
Why is it easier to be sad than happy? Negative than positive? You are a neutral being with effort in both directions. Why is it easier? Why are we geared that way?`
Monday I was getting gas and this arrogant prick revved up his ugly pos truck and was calling someone on his phone and screaming at them across the parking lot to pick up their phone. What a prick. I wanted to go ask him if he had the smallest(male reproductive part in the world). Then I guess the person that he was screaming at on the phone drove over. Nice car. Pretty girl. Little kid in the back seat. He yelled something at her, slammed her passenger door and kicked the car. She looked back to check the kid in the car seat and slowly just drove offl. He of course peeled out of there being stupid and a show off.
I should have gone after him. Gave hima piece of my mind. Reported his license plates. Something. He shouldn't have got away with it. He made me furious with his anger. I wish I were brave. I wish I had the freedom to be brave and take care of everything I see. Isn't that why I see it? God is planting that seed in me. Maybe not to be mad but to stand up. Maybe my counselor was right. Maybe I should figure what this was meant for.
Erin and I had a conversation the other day. She asked me where I saw myself in five years? ten years? I told her I had absolutely no clue. Wherever God wanted me.
She asked me if I feel some of my struggles were God preparing me for something. Maybe something to push through. I should see it as a challenge. I feel like when I'm struggling, I'm not pleasing God and I should find a different path to take. Maybe that's why I'm different. I've always been on a different path.
My name is written on His hand. My name is graven on his heart.
All my love
Amber
Sometimes I wish it was the future already and I could just go. Go somewhere. And start over. I'd love to own a teeny tiny house with land to roam on. Start over and be free and take care of myself and hold on to joy. Joy starts with compassion don't you think? My compassion started at Bright Haven and grew to joy and then love.
Why is it easier to be sad than happy? Negative than positive? You are a neutral being with effort in both directions. Why is it easier? Why are we geared that way?`
Monday I was getting gas and this arrogant prick revved up his ugly pos truck and was calling someone on his phone and screaming at them across the parking lot to pick up their phone. What a prick. I wanted to go ask him if he had the smallest(male reproductive part in the world). Then I guess the person that he was screaming at on the phone drove over. Nice car. Pretty girl. Little kid in the back seat. He yelled something at her, slammed her passenger door and kicked the car. She looked back to check the kid in the car seat and slowly just drove offl. He of course peeled out of there being stupid and a show off.
I should have gone after him. Gave hima piece of my mind. Reported his license plates. Something. He shouldn't have got away with it. He made me furious with his anger. I wish I were brave. I wish I had the freedom to be brave and take care of everything I see. Isn't that why I see it? God is planting that seed in me. Maybe not to be mad but to stand up. Maybe my counselor was right. Maybe I should figure what this was meant for.
Erin and I had a conversation the other day. She asked me where I saw myself in five years? ten years? I told her I had absolutely no clue. Wherever God wanted me.
She asked me if I feel some of my struggles were God preparing me for something. Maybe something to push through. I should see it as a challenge. I feel like when I'm struggling, I'm not pleasing God and I should find a different path to take. Maybe that's why I'm different. I've always been on a different path.
My name is written on His hand. My name is graven on his heart.
All my love
Amber
The List
I found this list on Pinterest and decided to fill it out. I wrote all my answers in my "Everything Book" a month or so ago and wanted to post beacuse we all used to do them on Myspace but Myspace is dead now. Enjoy. Also on the pin, they recommend that you do this while on a road trip with your husband. Ha!
The List.
1. List 20 random facts about yourself
(I'll do this in another post....maybe)
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
God. I don't remember when, but God became fearful for me when I was a child. I feared His powere because I knew he was real.
Snakes. According to my mom, snakes have always been a fear for me. She vividly remembers when I was three, were were at teh state fair in Tulsa and there was a huge aquarium with a snake in it. Everyone was looking and searching for it among the lims and vines. She looked down and saw my high ponytail shaking violently back and forth and the snake was eye level with me sliterhing along the bottom of the glass. She picked me up and got of dodge. I can barely stand pictures of them.
Moving heights. Like roller coasters, trampolines with other people on them, bounce houses. I can't have someone else controlling my gravity. My stomach goes into my heart.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
Oh Lord. My mom and I have always been really close. We've parted just a little bit since all of her stuff. I still tell her everything. It's just a different relationship... My dad and I have always clashed. We are too alike to like each other :)
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could:
1. Work hard. Youth is not supposed to be for the lazy.
2. Don't kiss boys. Boys don't become real to you until you are 20. Keep it there.
3. Guard your heart. It's not worth it.
4. Save....every....penny.
5. I'd probably tell myself about my mom to prepare myself. Maybe even stop it. And don't quit school. It's so hard to go back. Just go.
6. Do everything you can now for people. You'll regret it if you don't.
7. Granny dies when you are 17. Spend every moment you can with her.
8. Write. Write a lot.
9. Don't ever pick up a cigarette. Don't drink until you are legal. Don't wear anything on a Saturday night that you couldn't walk into church in.
10. Your time as an independent is awesome. Cherish it but work your butt off so you can keep on living.
5.What are 5 things that make you most happy right now?
1. Coffee
2. Babies
3. Christ
4. Clothes
5. Hugo
Ok I think 5 is enough to be a tease and an annoying post at the same time.
You are welcome.
Amber
The List.
1. List 20 random facts about yourself
(I'll do this in another post....maybe)
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
God. I don't remember when, but God became fearful for me when I was a child. I feared His powere because I knew he was real.
Snakes. According to my mom, snakes have always been a fear for me. She vividly remembers when I was three, were were at teh state fair in Tulsa and there was a huge aquarium with a snake in it. Everyone was looking and searching for it among the lims and vines. She looked down and saw my high ponytail shaking violently back and forth and the snake was eye level with me sliterhing along the bottom of the glass. She picked me up and got of dodge. I can barely stand pictures of them.
Moving heights. Like roller coasters, trampolines with other people on them, bounce houses. I can't have someone else controlling my gravity. My stomach goes into my heart.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
Oh Lord. My mom and I have always been really close. We've parted just a little bit since all of her stuff. I still tell her everything. It's just a different relationship... My dad and I have always clashed. We are too alike to like each other :)
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could:
1. Work hard. Youth is not supposed to be for the lazy.
2. Don't kiss boys. Boys don't become real to you until you are 20. Keep it there.
3. Guard your heart. It's not worth it.
4. Save....every....penny.
5. I'd probably tell myself about my mom to prepare myself. Maybe even stop it. And don't quit school. It's so hard to go back. Just go.
6. Do everything you can now for people. You'll regret it if you don't.
7. Granny dies when you are 17. Spend every moment you can with her.
8. Write. Write a lot.
9. Don't ever pick up a cigarette. Don't drink until you are legal. Don't wear anything on a Saturday night that you couldn't walk into church in.
10. Your time as an independent is awesome. Cherish it but work your butt off so you can keep on living.
5.What are 5 things that make you most happy right now?
1. Coffee
2. Babies
3. Christ
4. Clothes
5. Hugo
Ok I think 5 is enough to be a tease and an annoying post at the same time.
You are welcome.
Amber
Monday, September 10, 2012
Amber Waves and Rant and Raves
Monday.
Kids were great today. Mondays are kind of crazy and the kids are usually not very tired and we are all just trying to survive. Tuesdays are worse. I think Tuesdays are worse for everyone. But today, we played with spaghetti brains. Last night I boiled a pound of spaghetti and then rinsed all the starch off and let it cool and then divided it into four ziplocks and put food coloring in them with a hint of water and let them sit overnight. Then this morning at work, i rinsed them all so that they wouldn't stain the kids' hands and then dumped them all into a big bowl. I honestly don't know who was more excited, me or the kids.
So the average attention span of a toddler is like 3 minutes and Cason, Addison, Kellen, and I played in the stuff for over 20 minutes. It was sooooo much fun. We squished it and splattered it and made it into mush and I flicked it on them and we threw it at each other. I probably have the highest tolerance of messes in the center. I just let them do whatever for the experience and I clean them up before I go home, or they go home, whichever comes first.
Man I am sick of grocery shopping.
If anyone knows me, like really knows me, I love going to Wal-Mart. NO really.
But lately, I am so sick of them being out of all of the food that I buy and I get sick of shopping around and never getting the crap I buy. I buy all kinds of those steam bags of chicken vegetables and a cheap pasta and sauce. Wal-Mart doesn't carry the kind I am now addicted to and so I went to Marvin's in Farmington and guess what? They don't either! I'm going to have to freaking kill my own chicken and pluck it and take it to work every day. Geez.
They need an app where you scan or can scan the barcode and they tell you where the stores are that have it. So I don't have to go to all 17 walmarts in the tri county area. Just wishful hoping I guess.
So tonight I made chicken fried rice, egg rolls, chicken enchiladas, and margarhite pizza. The enchiladas were from scratch and I didn't follow a recipe and they were divine. If I do say myself.
I'm so grateful for all of the prayers and responses to my post from last night. Your words are encouraging and needed. Your prayers worked. I slept fine last night and I woke up 4am with wonderful dreams. Good day. Got my meds today.
We are watching "Killers" on Netflix tonight.
Amber
Kids were great today. Mondays are kind of crazy and the kids are usually not very tired and we are all just trying to survive. Tuesdays are worse. I think Tuesdays are worse for everyone. But today, we played with spaghetti brains. Last night I boiled a pound of spaghetti and then rinsed all the starch off and let it cool and then divided it into four ziplocks and put food coloring in them with a hint of water and let them sit overnight. Then this morning at work, i rinsed them all so that they wouldn't stain the kids' hands and then dumped them all into a big bowl. I honestly don't know who was more excited, me or the kids.
So the average attention span of a toddler is like 3 minutes and Cason, Addison, Kellen, and I played in the stuff for over 20 minutes. It was sooooo much fun. We squished it and splattered it and made it into mush and I flicked it on them and we threw it at each other. I probably have the highest tolerance of messes in the center. I just let them do whatever for the experience and I clean them up before I go home, or they go home, whichever comes first.
Man I am sick of grocery shopping.
If anyone knows me, like really knows me, I love going to Wal-Mart. NO really.
But lately, I am so sick of them being out of all of the food that I buy and I get sick of shopping around and never getting the crap I buy. I buy all kinds of those steam bags of chicken vegetables and a cheap pasta and sauce. Wal-Mart doesn't carry the kind I am now addicted to and so I went to Marvin's in Farmington and guess what? They don't either! I'm going to have to freaking kill my own chicken and pluck it and take it to work every day. Geez.
They need an app where you scan or can scan the barcode and they tell you where the stores are that have it. So I don't have to go to all 17 walmarts in the tri county area. Just wishful hoping I guess.
So tonight I made chicken fried rice, egg rolls, chicken enchiladas, and margarhite pizza. The enchiladas were from scratch and I didn't follow a recipe and they were divine. If I do say myself.
I'm so grateful for all of the prayers and responses to my post from last night. Your words are encouraging and needed. Your prayers worked. I slept fine last night and I woke up 4am with wonderful dreams. Good day. Got my meds today.
We are watching "Killers" on Netflix tonight.
Amber
Sunday, September 9, 2012
And it all pours out.
Another weekend down. I'm always excited it's Friday because I can sleep in the next day, but between Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon, I get more than bored and have troubles finding things to occupy this crazy mind. After finding coffee on Sunday, I'm more than excited for it to be Monday morning so I can get the craziness that keeps my mind floating.
The past few days without my anxiety/depression/ocd/nightmare pills, have been a little buzzy. I feel like I'm stuck in Beetlejuice and an earthquake all in the same blink. And I blink slow. And I've been soo cranky. People and their complaints really really have been getting to me and I have been more than blunt in my noticing. Right now I just have a headache but I've been cleaning everything. I still cant find them. I've simply misplaced them in a cleaning rant. Tomorrow I will go to my Doctor to get some samples from him to get me through until I can get my prescription refilled... Insurance won't let me get them too close together and I've been crazy busy this week getting ready for Family Night at work and sleeping.
I guess by now you realize I have anxiety issues and nightmares.
I came across the term "Medicated and Motivated" recently, and it describes me to a T.
I hope no one worries about my productivity or my mental well being. I'm just having a weird week :)
And if you don't know why I would have anxiety issues, I guess I better give you the long story long:
Two years ago, on March 25th, my mother's brain started bleeding. It wasn't an anuerysm, it wasn't a stroke, but horrible all the same. I was in Chicago on Spring Break with my then boyfriend. I took an emergency flight home when my dad called me to tell me that her brain was bleeding. It cost me $800 to fly home like that and I bawled and hyperventilated the whole flight. Everyone was staring at me. Children were pointing and asking questions. As I boarded, Ashtin, my best friend called me and I asked her if Jason had called her. I had to get off the phone and she said, Amber. I'm praying. The flight was an hour, and I prayed the whole way. I even whispered that if anyone could hear me, that they pray for my mom.
When I got off the plane, my cousin was waiting for me to pick me up at xna... we ran to her car and sped to the hospital in Springdale. As I was coming down the escalator, I screamed, Christie, is she alive? She was at the time, as far as she knew.
When I got to the hospital, I went to find my Dad, and just sank into his arms. My aunt Glenda later told me, that he needed me. It wasn't going to be ok until I was there.
Mom had had a horrible horrible headache at her gospel band practice, appropriately named "Saved By Grace". She just wanted to go home, but the band leader insisted that she go to the hospital. My brother was across the street at our uncle Tommy's house, hanging out until it was time to take mom home. SO they called Robert, and he couldn't find his wallet with his driver's license. So Robert asked our Uncle Tommy to drive. Tommy has a son that has had medical problems and knew the waiting game at Washington Regional. Tommy drove my mom and Robert to the Springdale Hospital. Robert said that she kept closing her eyes and was so worried about Robert's welfare. When they got to the ER, she was the one they took right in. They did a follow my finger eye test, and when they got to her right eye, she got sick and passed out. They immediately did emergency brain surgery. They informed the family, she likely wouldn't make it.
She was still in surgery when I got to the hospital. It was about 30 minutes later that the doctor came into the waiting room, to all my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. Said surgery went ok. Had no clue if she would live and that we coiuld go see her. I was first.
I had just talked to her earlier that day. She had gone to my apartment to check on my cat, Hugo. She had text me that she had played with him a bit and commented on how nice my apartment had been kept up. I still have those texts on my old Blackberry.
When I saw her, they had shaved half of her head, she had a breathing tube in her mouth, and she was unconsious. They had deliberately put her under so that her brain wouldn't have any function and freak out and cause damage or pain. She didn't do anything for a week.
The doctor, a pessimistic man, is one of the best neurosurgeons in the state of Arkansas. And he happened to be at the hospital that night. He only works there every other weekend. And he was ready. He just needed to scrub in and his team was almost ready. Do you see GOD? We did.
She survived brain surgery but they told us in all likelyhood, she would be a vegetable for the rest of her life and we would be feeding her and taking care of her like a child. If she even survived at all.
I didn't sleep that first night. I tried but i was bunched into a little ball in a folding chair in the waiting room. My uncle that brought mom to the hospital, rented us a room upstairs for families that need to stay. I flung myself onto the bed and bawled until I threw up. How could I lose my Mom? I wasn't ready. I couldn't breathe. How could she be taken? I was a zombie at best. Ashtin came and layed with me in the bed. The only thing I could hang on to. I screamed and cried and didn't know what to do. That wasn't my mom down there. Ashtin gave me words that changed my life. She told me just to go talk to her.
Like I said, she was in the Surgical ICU for about two months. In that time, I completed the easy classes that I could at u of a, but I had to drop out and leave my status as student of Math and Physics. I still haven't been back. She slowly woke up. They took her out of her coma that they had put her in. She would open her eyes. That was the most she could do for a day. Sometimes she would move her hand. Her legs rarely moved. It took months for anything to move. She didn't know who we were. They asked her if she knew where she was. She was confused. She was barely alive. They discouraged us. They didn't think she would make it. She could die any moment.
After praying and praying and praying and praying and praying and praying some more, I finally felt at peace. A weird euphoria came over me. She wasn't going to die. I knew. Down in my stomach. They were wrong.
A lot of this is a blur and I know it doesn't make sense and I don't even know why I'm posting this. It's kinda just coming out as word vomit. Like when you get in a car and just drive and you don't know why.
It took a lot of work. Opening and closing her eyes. Moving her finger. Moving her hand. She wasn't barely conscious. One day she held my hand. One day she closed her hand around mine. One day she squeezed. One day she squeezed my hand when I asked her to. That was when the doctors gave us hope. Maybe. Maybe she would live. She still had the breathing tube in her mouth. She couldn't talk. She could barely move her mouth.
Most of this is a blur. That hospital room took a lot of my mind and my life. I don't know how I survived it.
But for me it got worse.
But I remember every single person that came. And brought food. And prayed. And called.
I remember someone told me that the church group that went down to Louisiana? to build houses heard about Mom. And a hundred of them just stopped, to pray. I got goosebumps. I got goosebumps for several times thinking about that in later days. A hundred people praying. No wonder she made it.
People brought food. Ashtin brought me things to wear and bought all the phone chargers that wal mart had bc mine was with Jason in Chicago. Jason's roomate offered to bring me my extra one when he got off work. My cousins brought food. Mom's co workers brought food. I remember every bit of that.
This is the latest Thank you note ever. But Thank you. It meant more than the world.
I would go up to the hospital after late classes at night and sing "Down in the Valley" to her before I went home. Months and months later, I was singing it at the house, just as I was doing busy work, and she came up and said, where have I heard you sing that before? She was in a coma. She was my best friend and a part of her was gone.
A big part of me struggled for a long long long time.
I had lost my mom. A new mom in her place. I lost my boyfriend, my job, my education, so much money. I was sick.
I went from a size 10 to a size 6 in months and didn't even know it.
My teeth ground so hard at night that I lost most of my gums and had to have oral surgery.
I went on medication and dream counseling and personal counseling and prayer counseling.
She came home in June. She gets better every day. She still gets discouraged, but she's the only one that knows where the scotch tape is in this house. She's still my mom and my best friend. And you bet your sweet bippy that my relationship with Christ went from walking to flying.
What a mighty GOD we serve.
More to come later. My thoughts are scattering.
Amber
The past few days without my anxiety/depression/ocd/nightmare pills, have been a little buzzy. I feel like I'm stuck in Beetlejuice and an earthquake all in the same blink. And I blink slow. And I've been soo cranky. People and their complaints really really have been getting to me and I have been more than blunt in my noticing. Right now I just have a headache but I've been cleaning everything. I still cant find them. I've simply misplaced them in a cleaning rant. Tomorrow I will go to my Doctor to get some samples from him to get me through until I can get my prescription refilled... Insurance won't let me get them too close together and I've been crazy busy this week getting ready for Family Night at work and sleeping.
I guess by now you realize I have anxiety issues and nightmares.
I came across the term "Medicated and Motivated" recently, and it describes me to a T.
I hope no one worries about my productivity or my mental well being. I'm just having a weird week :)
And if you don't know why I would have anxiety issues, I guess I better give you the long story long:
Two years ago, on March 25th, my mother's brain started bleeding. It wasn't an anuerysm, it wasn't a stroke, but horrible all the same. I was in Chicago on Spring Break with my then boyfriend. I took an emergency flight home when my dad called me to tell me that her brain was bleeding. It cost me $800 to fly home like that and I bawled and hyperventilated the whole flight. Everyone was staring at me. Children were pointing and asking questions. As I boarded, Ashtin, my best friend called me and I asked her if Jason had called her. I had to get off the phone and she said, Amber. I'm praying. The flight was an hour, and I prayed the whole way. I even whispered that if anyone could hear me, that they pray for my mom.
When I got off the plane, my cousin was waiting for me to pick me up at xna... we ran to her car and sped to the hospital in Springdale. As I was coming down the escalator, I screamed, Christie, is she alive? She was at the time, as far as she knew.
When I got to the hospital, I went to find my Dad, and just sank into his arms. My aunt Glenda later told me, that he needed me. It wasn't going to be ok until I was there.
Mom had had a horrible horrible headache at her gospel band practice, appropriately named "Saved By Grace". She just wanted to go home, but the band leader insisted that she go to the hospital. My brother was across the street at our uncle Tommy's house, hanging out until it was time to take mom home. SO they called Robert, and he couldn't find his wallet with his driver's license. So Robert asked our Uncle Tommy to drive. Tommy has a son that has had medical problems and knew the waiting game at Washington Regional. Tommy drove my mom and Robert to the Springdale Hospital. Robert said that she kept closing her eyes and was so worried about Robert's welfare. When they got to the ER, she was the one they took right in. They did a follow my finger eye test, and when they got to her right eye, she got sick and passed out. They immediately did emergency brain surgery. They informed the family, she likely wouldn't make it.
She was still in surgery when I got to the hospital. It was about 30 minutes later that the doctor came into the waiting room, to all my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. Said surgery went ok. Had no clue if she would live and that we coiuld go see her. I was first.
I had just talked to her earlier that day. She had gone to my apartment to check on my cat, Hugo. She had text me that she had played with him a bit and commented on how nice my apartment had been kept up. I still have those texts on my old Blackberry.
When I saw her, they had shaved half of her head, she had a breathing tube in her mouth, and she was unconsious. They had deliberately put her under so that her brain wouldn't have any function and freak out and cause damage or pain. She didn't do anything for a week.
The doctor, a pessimistic man, is one of the best neurosurgeons in the state of Arkansas. And he happened to be at the hospital that night. He only works there every other weekend. And he was ready. He just needed to scrub in and his team was almost ready. Do you see GOD? We did.
She survived brain surgery but they told us in all likelyhood, she would be a vegetable for the rest of her life and we would be feeding her and taking care of her like a child. If she even survived at all.
I didn't sleep that first night. I tried but i was bunched into a little ball in a folding chair in the waiting room. My uncle that brought mom to the hospital, rented us a room upstairs for families that need to stay. I flung myself onto the bed and bawled until I threw up. How could I lose my Mom? I wasn't ready. I couldn't breathe. How could she be taken? I was a zombie at best. Ashtin came and layed with me in the bed. The only thing I could hang on to. I screamed and cried and didn't know what to do. That wasn't my mom down there. Ashtin gave me words that changed my life. She told me just to go talk to her.
Like I said, she was in the Surgical ICU for about two months. In that time, I completed the easy classes that I could at u of a, but I had to drop out and leave my status as student of Math and Physics. I still haven't been back. She slowly woke up. They took her out of her coma that they had put her in. She would open her eyes. That was the most she could do for a day. Sometimes she would move her hand. Her legs rarely moved. It took months for anything to move. She didn't know who we were. They asked her if she knew where she was. She was confused. She was barely alive. They discouraged us. They didn't think she would make it. She could die any moment.
After praying and praying and praying and praying and praying and praying some more, I finally felt at peace. A weird euphoria came over me. She wasn't going to die. I knew. Down in my stomach. They were wrong.
A lot of this is a blur and I know it doesn't make sense and I don't even know why I'm posting this. It's kinda just coming out as word vomit. Like when you get in a car and just drive and you don't know why.
It took a lot of work. Opening and closing her eyes. Moving her finger. Moving her hand. She wasn't barely conscious. One day she held my hand. One day she closed her hand around mine. One day she squeezed. One day she squeezed my hand when I asked her to. That was when the doctors gave us hope. Maybe. Maybe she would live. She still had the breathing tube in her mouth. She couldn't talk. She could barely move her mouth.
Most of this is a blur. That hospital room took a lot of my mind and my life. I don't know how I survived it.
But for me it got worse.
But I remember every single person that came. And brought food. And prayed. And called.
I remember someone told me that the church group that went down to Louisiana? to build houses heard about Mom. And a hundred of them just stopped, to pray. I got goosebumps. I got goosebumps for several times thinking about that in later days. A hundred people praying. No wonder she made it.
People brought food. Ashtin brought me things to wear and bought all the phone chargers that wal mart had bc mine was with Jason in Chicago. Jason's roomate offered to bring me my extra one when he got off work. My cousins brought food. Mom's co workers brought food. I remember every bit of that.
This is the latest Thank you note ever. But Thank you. It meant more than the world.
I would go up to the hospital after late classes at night and sing "Down in the Valley" to her before I went home. Months and months later, I was singing it at the house, just as I was doing busy work, and she came up and said, where have I heard you sing that before? She was in a coma. She was my best friend and a part of her was gone.
A big part of me struggled for a long long long time.
I had lost my mom. A new mom in her place. I lost my boyfriend, my job, my education, so much money. I was sick.
I went from a size 10 to a size 6 in months and didn't even know it.
My teeth ground so hard at night that I lost most of my gums and had to have oral surgery.
I went on medication and dream counseling and personal counseling and prayer counseling.
She came home in June. She gets better every day. She still gets discouraged, but she's the only one that knows where the scotch tape is in this house. She's still my mom and my best friend. And you bet your sweet bippy that my relationship with Christ went from walking to flying.
What a mighty GOD we serve.
More to come later. My thoughts are scattering.
Amber
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Welcome Back
Man, I haven't posted in forever.
Once upon a time I was going to the library to post a new blog. And then I downloaded the blogger app to post from my handy dandy iphone. But that took forever to post and sometimes pictures don't upload so fast.
I have an anouncement. I repeat, I have an anouncement.
We, The Tyree Family of Lincoln, Arkansas, have internet. That is not dial up. We have high speed, WIRELESS internet!!!
I know. This is like one for the history books. With Robert being in school and working late and stuff, it was hard for him to keep working on school stuff at home with dial up internet. Sometimes it would work and sometimes not. SO anyways, yesterday afternoon, Robert and I realized that we could hook up my Netflix account to the big screen via computer or xbox. We were so giddy! We haven't ever had cable in our lives.
So we went to work. As soon as we got it set up, I kid you not, the minute we figured out how to do it, the electricity went out.
As soon as it came back on though, we were on cloud nine. And Dad even liked it too.
We fell asleep watching Thor.
Hoping to post more now I guess. Sometimes I feel like any post, mine or others is just annoying.
Til next time,
"Miss Ammer"
Once upon a time I was going to the library to post a new blog. And then I downloaded the blogger app to post from my handy dandy iphone. But that took forever to post and sometimes pictures don't upload so fast.
I have an anouncement. I repeat, I have an anouncement.
We, The Tyree Family of Lincoln, Arkansas, have internet. That is not dial up. We have high speed, WIRELESS internet!!!
I know. This is like one for the history books. With Robert being in school and working late and stuff, it was hard for him to keep working on school stuff at home with dial up internet. Sometimes it would work and sometimes not. SO anyways, yesterday afternoon, Robert and I realized that we could hook up my Netflix account to the big screen via computer or xbox. We were so giddy! We haven't ever had cable in our lives.
So we went to work. As soon as we got it set up, I kid you not, the minute we figured out how to do it, the electricity went out.
As soon as it came back on though, we were on cloud nine. And Dad even liked it too.
We fell asleep watching Thor.
Hoping to post more now I guess. Sometimes I feel like any post, mine or others is just annoying.
Til next time,
"Miss Ammer"
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