A simpler thought

I have been thinking much simpler lately. I'm going to start living a life of honor and simplicity and vurtue. I don't care if I live here for a long time. I'm here with my family and I can work hard at both ends here. Now that the weather is cooler, I'm getting into my realm of life. I don't care about shopping. I care about freedom on my horse. I don't care about men. I need to love myself and my life and I don't want to get married or fall in love because that means I'll never have to be hurt again. I want a life of virtue. I want joy and strength in my life much more than I care what and how it comes. Because I make my own and I am strong and I have joy. Why does everyone always think they are going through hell? People that are really living through hell don't know they are in hell. They just know they need to keep breathing. And hell is a lot like chicken pox. If you don't get it bad enough the first time, you get it again. I had chicken pox so bad when I was little that it was in my mouth and hair and bottom of my feet. I feel like I'll run through hell again because I'm strong enough to do it. I had a conversation witha counselor once about that. If I wasn't strong enough to go through it because life isn't for the weak and the weak never live a life at all. He asked me why I thought I went through all of it. Why did this happen in my life and what am I supposed to do with it? I said, WHO knows? My compassion has changed. I thought I may end up helping under priveleged children in a third world country and write everything down and sell a book. He said he could totally see me doing that. Maybe not a best seller but he thinks I was meant to do something with this.

Sometimes I wish it was the future already and I could just go. Go somewhere. And start over. I'd love to own a teeny tiny house with land to roam on. Start over and be free and take care of myself and hold on to joy. Joy starts with compassion don't you think? My compassion started at Bright Haven and grew to joy and then love.

Why is it easier to be sad than happy? Negative than positive? You are a neutral being with effort in both directions. Why is it easier? Why are we geared that way?`

Monday I was getting gas and this arrogant prick revved up his ugly pos truck and was calling someone on his phone and screaming at them across the parking lot to pick up their phone. What a prick. I wanted to go ask him if he had the smallest(male reproductive part in the world). Then I guess the person that he was screaming at on the phone drove over. Nice car. Pretty girl. Little kid in the back seat. He yelled something at her, slammed her passenger door and kicked the car. She looked back to check the kid in the car seat and slowly just drove offl. He of course peeled out of there being stupid and a show off.

I should have gone after him. Gave hima  piece of my mind. Reported his license plates. Something. He shouldn't have got away with it. He made me furious with his anger. I wish I were brave. I wish I had the freedom to be brave and take care of everything I see. Isn't that why I see it? God is planting that seed in me. Maybe not to be mad but to stand up. Maybe my counselor was right. Maybe I should figure what this was meant for.

Erin and I had a conversation the other day. She asked me where I saw myself in five years? ten years? I told her I had absolutely no clue. Wherever God wanted me.

She asked me if I feel some of my struggles were God preparing me for something. Maybe something to push through. I should see it as a challenge.  I feel like when I'm struggling, I'm not pleasing God and I should find a different path to take. Maybe that's why I'm different. I've always been on a different path.

My name is written on His hand. My name is graven on his heart.

All my love

Amber