I kinda got some confirmation from the Good Lord above this week. I have really wrestled with the idea of marriage and children in my life the past few years. It's no secret and it's no secret that it has torn apart some really tender relationships. But I believe I have to be happy number one and not settled and not settle for happiness. For a while now I have absolutely dreamed of being called to missions. To start a girls school to advance typical and impoverished girls. I have prayed for God to give me this in a blessing. And to put on my heart what he wants for a family in my life. I have very mixed emotions about marriage. For one, haha, I have never done it. I don't know what marriage is like at all. I do want children, but not biologically, and truth be told, I'm not sure that's even a biological option for me. So I really want to adopt. And as soon as I have my teaching license, a job, and a decent place to raise a child, I plan on putting in for fostering and adoption. With or without a marriage or significant other. The advocacy for women and children are laid on my heart daily and twist through my mind so often that sometimes I can't even sleep from torment of guilt of the wonderful life that I already have. So why would I want more when I can help others that have none?
I've talked through things with my friends and family, and especially with my mom and I really want to go ahead while I am in the line of education, to get my Master's and then work on a seminary degree. I feel these are things that I need to be prepared WHEN my prayers are answered and I am called to do the LORD's work. Not my own.
I have always felt that I have wanted the wrong things out of life.
So discussing things with my mom today, she says, "ya, you've never wanted that and I guess that's just ok. As long as you are happy and know what you want." This is the only thing that I know what I want. And in my Family Relations class I am taking the first session of summer classes, my professor announced that women that have a higher education are less likely to get married and the first female in the family are less likely to get married. I had to stifle a chuckle in the middle of class but made sure to highlight it in my notes. Telling my mother this, she said "It's as if God has spoken." Haha.
I don't know what else I want in life (other than allergies to be wiped from my body, that would be glorious), so I'm not actively pursuing it. I'm never going to be super skinny or have my hair done the same day I have an outfit together and my eyebrows waxed and my makeup done and out the door on time. I am never ever ever going to get that down. I may always be bitter towards things that have hurt me or forget to take care of myself and get rundown. I may forget many invitations and showers and parties and get togethers because it's just me getting everything done. And I'm great with it being just me. And Jesus. Because I have very hard and holy things to do. So I'm getting to work.
All that love and stuff,
Amber D. Tyree
