Haven't posted in a while. I don't have a computer and it's impossible to blog from a phone. I'm at a friends house and using her computer and they are making fun of me. boo.
So I made some revelations this week.
I don't need to be married to the person that I wanted to be. And I am at peace with it. I really thought that it was in the path for me and I was trying so hard emotionally for it. But it's ok. NOT meant to be.
Also, I've been struggling so bad with if I should move out or not and I finally know that I am not supposed to move out. This weekend, they went camping and I was alone all weekend and I got sooooo depressed. I was alone and it was dark and I was awake and I couldn't fall asleep and it was awful. It reminded me of when I was alone in my apartment at 4am and crying and going outside to cry and smoking an entire pack of cigarettes to try to feel a buzz and didn't want to drink and it was awful. Just awful depression and anxiety. It was just like that. And so now I love that my family is always around. I feel safe and they are wonderful noise in my life. Even if they are a door closed away from me all the time, it's what needs to be done. I can't believe how much I missed my mom over the weekend. I couldn't cry, but it was just bad.
Mom is better every day. Still going to therapy and even though it's so cold, she still does her walks, but the cold makes her FREEEEZE. Like I worry when she's that cold, and she gets really tired. But she is in good spirits.
I love fall/winter at the farm. Growing up on the farm, we didn't (and still don't/never have) have cable and so we would stand in front of the wood stove with our backs to it and read and read and read and when our back was very warm we would run to the couch in the den (where the stove is) and we would sink and soak in the warmth that would burn our backsides and we would continue reading until our backs were cold again and start all over again. It was magnificent. And I hope to do that a bit this winter/fall since I am home again.
We watch a lot of movies at the house and so I've been watching the MASH seasons in bed under my snuggie and crocheting and eating pumpkin spice pecan icecream and snuggling with my kitty cat, Hugo :)
I have an amazing life. I am really happy with everything that is going on and am just truly blessed. I love my kiddos at work, I love my friends, family, and just ya. Things are good.
Also, I am loving the drive to and from work through the Wedington Woods. All the trees and the animals, and the lake and ya. I listen to NPR and I love NPR- it keeps my mind occupied and I don't get anxious since I'm not buttcrack busy. I've seen 20 deer in October at least. This week I saw a 7point white tail buck. My brother and Dad think I need to keep a bow and arrow in my car. Hahaha.
Oh and some of my kids have started calling me "Mee-Maw" and I hate it.
Better than the boys that pet my legs two weeks ago and said "kitty!"
I told my mom that and grape juice came out of her nose.
No more embarassing secrets from me. Hope you are reading this. Or no wait, I hope not a lot of people read that part.
Oh well.
Ok so I have some prayer requests but I will put them in my fb statuses, and the next blog update will have some blogs that you need to follow.
Love you all.
~Amber
