Pens only like to hang out with other pens. They're very clicky.

Sunday July 3rd

I don't know why my clocks say am or pm- like it matters. It's 3:02am btw. My nights and days are all messed up. I went to sleep at like 5am. Tyler woke me up on Saturday because I was late to Harrison and Kelly's cookout celebration for their wedding :) After that I went to my Aunt Connie's to try on my bridesmaid dress and just so happened, Christie and Shawn were there with his kids, Jordan and Timmy- some of the most well behaved children and sweetest kids I've been around. Then I went to Jose's to hug Ashtin- the whole restaurant was having a hard day after they lost one of their bartenders. Then I went home. The chicken I made for dinner Friday night was still on the stove- the boys hadn't eaten their portion. It really hurt my feelings. It was a really good meal that no one touched after Mom and I ate our share... I went to my room to read, but Dad had the tv BLARING so I went outside in the yard to read. I went with them to the Farmington Fireworks show and Jennifer met us there. It was good to see her.

Last night I was thinking that I just don't know why I'm here! I mean I have no idea what my purpose on Earth is right now. I feel like I have nothing going for me right now. No job, no money, no boyfriend, I live with my parents, and I can't do anything for very long periods of time at all.

I feel like I can't cry. Only in my car. I've cried so much in my car it's just ridiculous. I don't cry often. It really isn't in my nature. I think I got that from my dad. My mom has cried so  much in front of me and I can't bring my body to cry with her. Even when I wanted to. I don't know what to do about anything in my life right now actually. Just keep praying I guess?

I remember a few weekends ago, when all my boy crap happened, I remember crying out, I'm not mad, I just want to know WHY.

I'm really tired of the attacks on my cat.

Respect has really been the word of the month. Respect of feelings. Respect of boundaries and space. Respect of property. Respect of animals-cats and horses. Respect of people. I have so many examples but I'll respect those people and situations and just tell you that respect is a very top virtue.

I wish I could be IN music. I wish I could be IN a song. I wish it could engulf me and surround me and that I could be the core it plays and survives on.

There is so much good in my life. Much worry and prayer and words I probably shouldn't let loose, but they do anyway. I try to live everyday with no excuses, but I usually end up in the opposite direction. It's so unfair that men can hit the pillow and be SOUND asleep. I finally get tired and close my eyes and a million words stream together running toward my memory for tomorrow. So then I was trying to think like a guy- what would I think about if I were a guy before I went to bed? Sex? Sleeping? Sports? Food? I don't know. Something that wouldn't change the world- and then I realize that I'm thinking- and that's the problem.

Something that made me UBER happy this week was that I bought chopsticks. I am the MASTER of chopsticks. I eat steamed rice and everything with them. The last time we went to The Panda for lunch (Father's Day), I ate my entire meal with chopsticks- except my Egg Drop Soup. I wish I had an Egg Drop Burger. That would be DIVINE! Am I rambling?

I came home last week from therapy with my mom and my dad came in and raised his voice that we were completely out of cups and that I needed to run the dishwasher full of them IMMEDIATELY. My father doesn't say hello or goodbye or goodnight or i love you when i leave. But he let's me know that we need to run an emergency load of cups- heaven forbid we have to handwash them or use the one from yesterday. I don't want to go in to this right now. It didn't end well.


Man. I'm a debbie downer. My sleep is just off. More thoughts later.
Thanks for reading this one. I'm trying to be less cranky in my posts.
:/