Currently listening to The Cold Part by Modest Mouse. Epic Song. I encourage you to listen along. ;)
6-16-11 3:53am
I'm awake on purpose. In a few hours I want to go apply at a coffeehouse in Springdale for a full time barista. I drank coffee before I went to bed. It's kept me awake. So I haven't really journaled in a while. I guess I've been busy and haven't had a lot that I wanted to write down. Dad chose surgery for his prostate cancer. He went to the doc today, he meets with the surgeon in about 2 weeks and will have surgery in about 12 weeks. My dad WILL BE a THREE TIME CANCER SURVIVOR. He had colon cancer when I was in the third grade (8 years old) and he's had numerous skin cancer spots taken off his face and ears over the past years. Robert had some worrisome abdominal issues but the diagnostic clinic assured him it's not a big deal and so he's back and running. It is always something around here. :/
I woke up super early this morning from a HORRIBLE dream. Horrible things kept happening to me and the people in my dream until I figured out a solution to a riddle or something. My hands were absolutely numb when I woke up. Mom woke me up later. She was standing in my doorway crying. She was trying to figure out and remember what she had done wrong. She thought she had killed someone or something and this was punishment. I told her this wasn't punishment and that this was a second cahnge because she almost died. Then she asked if we were hiding something from her like a brain tumor. I told her no and that we've never kept anything from her. Sometimes after a stressful day or a restless night of sleep, she wakes up so confused and down in the dumps. She's foggy and stressed and frustrated about the changes in her body since her accident.She doesn't have these episodes a lot and they've been less severe and frequent since I moved home. Not saying that contributes. It just helps. Sometimes she gets really really upset adn her mood changes drastically- she gets mean and bitter. Not my mom at all. Dad heard her crying and she asked him what she did to cause everyone pain. Dad told her no one was in pain. So he had her eat breakfast and take her morning pill that basically keeps her awake and helps her to stay focused.
He got her out of the house later. When they got home, she sat in the kitchen with me and talked while I made dinner. I just made a simple salad and spaghetti but she enjoyed feeding Hugo lettuce. We refer to her as Hugo's Gammy. :)
She'll say, come sit with Gammy. She's going to go nuts when we finally have grandchildren around here ;)
My cat is crazy. He loves broccoli leaves, bananas, lettuce, and potato peels. After dinner, I made up a batch of sloppy joes to eat on this week and helped Mom clean up the kitchen. Right before we all settled in to sleep, she fell somehow- immediateley called out that she was fine. I actually thought Hugo knocked something over. Dad rushed in and hugged her and just closed his eyes- you could tell it really scared him.
In my lateness and being awake, I reorganized my books and did all of my ironing and some organizing while watching HP7 Pt1.
I'm really excited about today. It's going to be a good day. I can feel it. (This may be the caffeine talking)
More thoughts later.
-Later. Actually about 7pm
Today was great!
After running to Springdale, I went to Wal-Mart to drop off some film- do people still do that!? Ha! Then I got caught in the rain and ended up just taking off my shoes to run through the parking lot to get to my car. Then I was CRAVING donuts! I haven't actively had a donut since like.... my 21st birthday when I had whiskey and donuts. I got 2 dozen donut holes from Bradley's donuts in Farmington and had one dozen ate before the next stoplight. Hehe. When I got home, I slept! Ha! Bc I haven't been to bed yet... I slept about 6 hours. Horrible nightmares again! Maybe from having sugar in my system before sleeping. Oops.
It's Thursday and Thursday is my favorite day! I woke up and had cheddar beddar brautwursts and watermelon and homemade sweet tea. Now I'm blogging and watching Wheel of Fortune (One of my favorites) and listening to Modest Mouse and Robert's on a date and my parents went to a friends house and (shouldn't that be backwards) and I'm going to watch BIG BANG THEORY!!! And probably find something chocolate to eat. I swear, if I had cable and dvr, I would dvr gameshows and stupid shows. I am a nerd. I know.
Well. More thoughts later.
To leave you with something uber positive:
EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE TO THE ONE WHO BELIEVES. -Mark 9:23
Well, its good to know you are human. We all go through the same kind of stuff Amber. Sometimes I have nightmares and sometimes fantasy stuff when I dream. Sometimes I don't think its a dream but the real deal. Sometimes I think we are just participants in God's dreams. Who really know. From past experience with people who have had something similar to your mom's situation, it gets better with time. And about film. I still prefer film to digital stuff. At one time I had a color darkroom and processed my own film and printed my own pictures. Still have some of the stuff laying around somewhere. Digital is quick and you can do that with your Photoshop and printer, but film is the real deal. You don't get he opportunity to just shoot away. You have to think about what you are shooting and why. Ansel Adams was one of the best scenic photographers of all time. He would never have thought about going digital. I still shoot a lot of film with my 35 MM Minolta and medium format Mamiya RB67 cameras. For me, its the best way of do photography.
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